"Do you think about old times?"
Well do you? A long pause and we eventually sigh and go oh wells dunno la. Heck.Its this front we all put up, its this thing we say to ourselves, that we weren't really friends anyway. They're mean and hurtful and fake and full of shit. PROBLEMS occured. BItching and loads of it. Words that got around, stuff that made us uncomfortable. We immediately dismiss them to find faults and overcast all those times we slacked around in school, teh-ping sessions, two hour breaks turned chatting session, bridge, debates on life and everything random and the oh my god we should really all be starting to study soon A's are in --- days talk,routines of malay stall and lunches and the rotating of plate keeping days, girls day,guys day, plotting of how we could get out of school to catch the sale/watch a movie/ have ice creme.Planning last minute shopping trips before mr toh's lesson. dinners and hanging out. bbq madness, where we insisted on quality food. study sessions and celebrations and tonnes of random stuff.

And somehow its weird how whenever we're in a similar setting like a bbq, we instantly get flashbacks of certain moments, look around and make a mental comparison of things. We then realise that hey, it was really quite fun back then and took back some shit we said. Its even funnier when two people witness a certain situation happening and immediately stop to turn and give each other a face, like ohmygod, were you thinking about the same thing? Like so and so.....
So basically we cannot help but keep looking back. And while we used to think it affected no one, it probably did hit everyone of us in a way or another, in different ways and small ways.
Its a waste really. And now when we look back ,we're thinking what problems? There wasnt really anything to pin point, it just happened and random hearings just intensified the divide. And things just rolled on.

And its kinda stupid really.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

no circles please.
they aren't fun

Elaine posed 12/17/2008 07:23:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, December 11, 2008

inquisitions, questions, no answers.

weird-ed out.

realself?

Elaine posed 12/11/2008 11:49:00 AM | Comment

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it got me thinking .

cycles
compulsion to repeat
reality theory
definitions
normality

relative concepts
determined by ones self exposure

godeeper.

Elaine posed 12/11/2008 09:32:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

this is when life is seen in blocks. when time passes so fast , you sit up and wonder what the hell went on.

steve aoki was awesome.
loads and loads of catch up sessions.
town-ning
shopping
coffee.

thats pretty much it

letsnotthink

Elaine posed 12/10/2008 09:57:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, December 04, 2008

crazy fun and tonnes and tonnes of oh my god's
and i think i have one or two answers.
damn but i wished i answered that last one.

it was insane.
a first really
but thanks to that im back =)

withouttimetoreact.
andgone.

Elaine posed 12/04/2008 01:19:00 AM | Comment

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Monday, December 01, 2008

the question is
so what are you fearing?

doubts , blanks.
or merely logical reasonings that seems to go the other way.

wrecks. and dissappointments.
fear.
or maybe its merely old ways that'll catch up
an image that cant be kept up

undeniably, yes.
there's times over that cup of coffee on a rainy day
singularity seems to catch up
but a flick of an eye and it seems like thats the way it should be
cause the minute i'm in i yank myself out

am wondering if that'll stick.
cause yes, i've seen for too much of this played out
too many complaints from one too many friends
that it sucks .

but thats too much to take in
awkward mismatches.
gaps to bridge.

and one thing's for sure.
under the harsh light no one looks good.

andbythenitmightbetooscarytolook

Elaine posed 12/01/2008 10:52:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

dunno which i hate more
having no idea why
or having to not get used to

an idea, an image, a song, a particular book and the countless things that are like the train stations.
rest stops and transient things.

ithinkthatswhatihatemost

Elaine posed 11/26/2008 11:50:00 PM | Comment

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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

got time back.
time i wished i didnt have.

no idea which was worse.
sticky situations or sudden realizations
that somehow it all added up to nothing

its like a call to nowhere.

thenumbersdontworknomore.
andthatsucks.

ansatcmarathonwouldbegood.ormaybejustknockmeout.

Elaine posed 11/25/2008 11:28:00 AM | Comment

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Monday, November 24, 2008

messy

yea you're damn right
cause its been this way for awhile

up down square straight
high low chills heat

keep on going
keep guessing

round and round the cherry tree
like kids in the garden

so hello friends.
my never failing friends
that bring me highs of euphoria and bright lights.

nevereverdone
nointentionfordefinitionseither.

Elaine posed 11/24/2008 01:19:00 PM | Comment

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if there’s one thing that I’ve noticed
out of all the things I’ve seen
it’s that you can leave a footprint
in a place you’ve never been
and there’s barely time to look around
before you have to leave
and a mark upon the skin
is not enough to make you bleed

if there’s one thing that I’m keeping
out of all the things I’ve found
it’s that the best way to be heard sometimes
is not to make a sound
and the things we want the most
fetch not a penny nor a pound
and all it takes to find your feet
is just to stand your ground

if there’s one thing that I’m sure of
out of all the things I know
it’s that you can keep on going fast
I’ll still be going slow
and falling’s not that hard
when you’re starting out so low
and drowning’s not that bad
if you breathe and just let go
breathe and just let go…

(the wasted and the used things
the broken and abused things
all these small things
the treasured and the sacred things
the lost and the forsaken things
all these small things)

the audreys - small things

Elaine posed 11/24/2008 01:05:00 PM | Comment

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kinda blurred out.
way out of my area there.
technically clueless.

sodontmindmynonsense.

Elaine posed 11/24/2008 12:54:00 PM | Comment

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Thursday, November 20, 2008

it hasnt really set in yet.
just many many walks around racks of clothes.
pretty, nice, sparkly . some horrifying , funny

morning rushes and coffee.
its been the same.

just maybe i think i got a little too used to some stuff.

funnybuttrue.
once again, when the common thread snips
does the ends fray and come off as drips and drabs of random lines?

Elaine posed 11/20/2008 09:28:00 AM | Comment

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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

i'm done - in more ways than one.

soletsjusttakeitasitcomes.

Elaine posed 11/18/2008 08:58:00 AM | Comment

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Friday, November 14, 2008

its like the multiple shots that you have to take.
big gulps of colourless nonsense.

you down them, walk away
and deal with it later when it fks up your insides.

Elaine posed 11/14/2008 10:11:00 AM | Comment

+++++

ever tried yanking the tablecloth underneath all the china?
one split of a second, you're wishing you'll pull the same stunt that guy on tv did.
the red satin cloth in one hand, and everything on the table in place.

well hardly.

usually it messes up .
the faster you try , the harder you pull,
it ends up on the floor quicker.

its like the deeper you go,
the more dirt you dish,
and the worse it all gets.

sometimes maybe things are still best left unturned.
its easier that way.
no?

flood lights,
harsh
blinding lights.

disregard.
like an old play.
back in 1987.

its a waste.
and seems like there's nothing left to do.

this probably is and should be the last we hear of all this

cause there's no point finding all the answers
and pointing out everything that's past and long over
cause sometimes, all it needs is an action, a sentance, or an entire conversation
to finally realise the state things have degenerated into.
cause when it becomes a free for all on the table,
there's nothing left to say.
cause the day those words spilled
we knew.
cause in the end, the sentance will be thrown around,
we werent much anyway.
cause in the end, it doenst matter.

it says alot.

notimeturningforme
itsscarywhenthelightsfinallycomeon

Elaine posed 11/14/2008 04:39:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, November 12, 2008

and when i walk out the gate for the last time next week
it'll all be like this distant dream.
a blur

this is how it ends up mostly.

no thoughts really, just backtracking.
tonnes and tonnes of things that didnt matter.
in the end, its back full circle.
point one.
back to not knowing.
its funny how you walk round the world
and in the end your displacement really is zero
and thats whats life's about,
displacements.

and this time im not gonna package it up and tie it with a ribbon
cause really, the ending sucks.

two years in and everything is a flash.
one year later came
and no, the plans don't stick
its a page out of my planner
and thats all it'll be

we'll forget like how we all conveninently did a week back
then it hits us
when the pillar falls,
the buildings too

and no, maybe its not supposed to matter, really
cause it wasnt that big a thing
or was it.
for a moment, it caught me
we'll see

let'sbacktrackrewindandmaybei'lldoitalloveragain

Elaine posed 11/12/2008 09:28:00 AM | Comment

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Saturday, November 08, 2008

weird weird weird.
thats how it is.
its funny how its all made to be.
one moment you're up and about,
next thing you know,
you;re slumped on the seat.
you dont move cause you know something's up
constantly shifting,
adjusting.
its still not working and
its never happened before.
so what now?

i've spoken about leaving
but i didnt mean THAT soon.

pleasedontfkmeupnow.
causethistimeyou'vereallygotmescaredouttamywits

Elaine posed 11/08/2008 11:13:00 PM | Comment

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Friday, October 31, 2008

someone's personal message read this
'my future income level will be determined in the next 20 days or so'

how apt.

and im sitting here wondering if i'll ever get past it.

gone
dreams burnt.
flushed away down the river
that flows along.

no,its never going to be the same.
it'll show- soon enough.

Elaine posed 10/31/2008 09:44:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, October 08, 2008

"It is man's nature to be eternally dissatisfied, constantly to advance, without relief or rest, toward an indefinite goal. "

---------------------------

Its been trippy.
Slipping into old paths.

timetoturnoffthepsychedelictunes.

Elaine posed 10/08/2008 06:11:00 AM | Comment

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Friday, October 03, 2008

an attempt to focus and think straight turned into blasts of music and more haziness.
an induced intoxication from songs that didnt matter.
day became night and it was all good.
for a moment .

then it went down to everything wrong, funny and weird.

there's this belief that it'll be all good 50 odd days from now.
We'll see.

Elaine posed 10/03/2008 09:42:00 AM | Comment

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Saturday, September 27, 2008

its that buffer time between the current tune and the next one
the jarring beats closes to none.
a space in between
unease.


its that split of a second when the sound of moving machine dips to nothingness,
the zooming train slows
noises fade
void.

----

a 20 minute ride home. weirdly familiar yet funny.
for the first time, there wasn't any preoccupation.
no paper in hand or random article,
phone stashed away.
its was the roaming of thoughts
and all things random
the first in a long long while.


---

She was awake in a foreign place
her mind, her eyes wide open.
no explanation, reason or logic.
Her actions driven by spontaneity.
Wires in her brain mushed up.

A flash of movements and something causes her insides to freak.
connections, threads and images , jumbled and formed.
and she's struggling to find an answer.
A reason and an explanation that would make it fit into an equation.

her life order now failed to fit the old mould.
too many nips and tucks.
one too many alterations
displacements.
there's no floor.
she's floating.
like when one too many small little white things get to her insides

wires trip and break,
switches open and close.
highs and lows of a pendulum swing.

hot and cold.
the soup and the coffee
burning and bland.

stuck in a cycle.
jaded.

wheredoesthisgo?

Elaine posed 9/27/2008 09:00:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, September 25, 2008

they say that its always dangerous to let the bridge down.
always risky to to open the gates.
and maybe they're right

cause when things feel too at ease,
when it seems too in place,
chances are, they're signs pointing to the the next hail.

-------------------------

everything's oddly out of place.
her steps, wide strides that never stops.
the only thing constant is the playlist on the ipod.

and she's worn down.
her mind running from one point to another.
even in the midst of a question,
she;s thinking about something else.
and no this time, its not the outfit for tonight.

---------------------------

its that open feeling,
when its all hung to dry.
sucks that it has to be like that
that it has to be frayed this way.

and next week ,
when the last straw is pulled,
all the cards will be out.
no more secrets.
yet again , maybe.

cause we'll keep going.
-------------------------

i need my ground.

Elaine posed 9/25/2008 06:01:00 AM | Comment

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Sunday, September 21, 2008

there's this thing that draws her to the screen .
an impluse to tap on the keys

she was pacing,
her mind racing to rearrange
she was finally put in place.

its that tingling at the back of her spine
that settles at the pit of her stomach

swept out of place,
too far out.
a desperate attempt to gain ground.

days, weeks it didnt matter
she was stuck on something
and it isnt right

she's willing herself to look the other way
things are fine
and thats how its been

just a little too much of getting used to
yes, just a little.

Elaine posed 9/21/2008 03:46:00 AM | Comment

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the morning after.
of clear heads and the smell of fog
stained jeans,
and a slight enlightenment

its funny how the night ends
never should have looked so close.

perhaps its just an over reliance
just like the painkillers and the bubbly.
its too easy
to slip into ease.

timetostand
faceup

yetireallyhavenoideawhatsgoingon.

Elaine posed 9/21/2008 12:27:00 AM | Comment

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Saturday, September 20, 2008

maybe its not it
too much of reading into.

don't want another wreck on my front door,
another carcass, ripped and torn.
shredded.

lost to the icy winds
and pricks.

no, i don't want it to be this way.

destructorofallthingsperfect.

wreck

Elaine posed 9/20/2008 01:52:00 PM | Comment

+++++

sentances that weren't completed.
a smile and turn of heads.
no indication of where to.

that's how it is.

----------------------------------
then take a shot,
music at the background,
just dance.

no judgement
the same faces.
boring night
content
years.
nothing changed.

ilikeitlikethat

-----------------------------

a night ago was pretty bad
sea breeze
waves
random calls
it was sucking us in.

somehow under the dim lights
dirt was spilled
shock, anger and finally the fickle-ness of things showed itself

all four, replaced.

words thrown around
like it didnt matter,
a year and a half,
backspaced.

and we all walked out,
all smiles

perfect.

the way they all wanted it to be

and the paint was peeling slowly,
faces cracked.

more high-ness and laughs,
then shrungs
some choose to look away.

guts churned,
it made us sick,
we felt like puking.

in the end,
we didnt stir shit

life's philosophy,
let it be

and it shall

time to hit the lights.
cue start.
centre light 1.

" So, you having fun?"

Elaine posed 9/20/2008 01:37:00 PM | Comment

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Thursday, September 18, 2008

weird dreams of late.
thoughts.
something was being pulled in,
caught in the web.
she wasnt sure if she was being selfish
things were going to get sticky.

andtheresalwaysabettertimeforthis

Elaine posed 9/18/2008 07:59:00 AM | Comment

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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

slipping in and out of the light
once, twice, letting things get into her hand.
at 8 in the morning it was blury,
the walls were moving and her head heavy.
one too many small little things that fked up her insides.
she was mad.

and thank god for the few people who were there,
who stopped her from finshing a line.

im grateful

yougainsomeandlosesome.

Elaine posed 9/16/2008 09:04:00 AM | Comment

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Saturday, September 13, 2008

this is when it all fks up.

Elaine posed 9/13/2008 11:29:00 AM | Comment

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tripped.
the green went, then the blue, now the red.
now there's just that big power cable,
waiting to burn.

---------------------------------------

Elaine posed 9/13/2008 10:00:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, September 11, 2008

a gathering of some sorts
good laughs, nails, remininscing, sangria

then neon colours and flashing lights
a plastic bottle
drama

and yes we saw it coming

unrestrained beats
forgone expectations

a system cleared.

socomesayhi

Elaine posed 9/11/2008 09:08:00 PM | Comment

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Sunday, September 07, 2008

starting now....

so much easier to sink in and dig deep.
yet this time round,
the deal sticks.

i'm done.

timetogo

Elaine posed 9/07/2008 11:44:00 AM | Comment

+++++

in a constant move, the places and faces never the same.
when the linking thread and common problems fade,
they rearrange.
-friendly accquaintances that finally give a nod of the head.

change

no more fighting the waves and pushing through
ease follows.

iron fist on a silver ball.
break.
oil on water.
torn.
cystals on a wedding dress.
fall.
cigarette burn on a white dress.
stay.
coffee stains on a tablecloth.
perfect.

Elaine posed 9/07/2008 11:39:00 AM | Comment

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Tuesday, September 02, 2008

each time, the same place, same winds and the bright city lights that sparkle.

preoccupation only got her that far. one night of movies, food, people, clothes, bags and sweets. then it came, that sudden pang in her stomach.

and she slept, to wake up and rush down for a cup of warm comfort. seems like the only thing that stood still regardless of place and time was her coffee.

venti caramel machiato made her morning.

and it was an aimless day yet again.

like the last few.

mindless activities that aimed to find ease.

here she goes again.
one mad rush after dawn breaks.

andyesyouguyswereright.itwasntgoingtohappen.
allshecouldthinkofwastosleepandwakeupandwalkandsleepagain.
allherprioritiesflusheddownthesink.

Elaine posed 9/02/2008 08:20:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

a streak painted across her face, like rain-trails on the windowpane.
its the clear blue sea and the trees. the horizon a bleak long line that seems endless.

driftwood.
hold on too long, grab too many,
and you sink.
your fingers slip
and you're thinking what's wrong.
your feet's not on the ground,
and your hands are suddenly free.
its a long way down and it's endless.

whenitsallapileofdisasterwaitingtohappen.
timetocrashandburn.

Elaine posed 8/27/2008 06:14:00 AM | Comment

+++++

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

and we'll keep pretending...

that we're a bunch of happy people that've spent two years hanging out and having fun. yes, with multiple gatherings and lunches and dinners and movies. Where we all actively particpate in the classroom and display our enthusiam for class activities by simply not turning up.

its funny how we like to package the final episode into one happy ending, where we weep and sing 'graduation' and talk about how we'll be 'friends forever'.

and the truth is, there are still people in the midst that havent even went past saying hi and giving a nod in acknowledgement to the people we've spent about two years in a box with. and the only time we ever agree of something- is when we can't wait to get out of the box we're stuck in.

the ring of the bell and its all back to normal.

andthatshowlifeis.
-----------------------------------------------------------

filling tables. prearranging seats. planning.

done to avoid yet another awkward scenario where you're placed with a familiar stranger, have nothing to say and start gulping water.

and yes, im another one of those table-fillers.

Elaine posed 8/20/2008 11:37:00 PM | Comment

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Saturday, August 16, 2008

seems to me like school's been optional. everyday's about asking around whose going to be there. its funny how school's been reduced to be. you walk in, hopefully learn something and then walk right out. its all about opportunity costs, priorities and independence.

------------------------------------------------------

for a moment now, its been just the books. and thankfully a few friends that've made studying that little less dead. oh yes and coffee. that aside its all been pretty much still.

the tide's gushing up shore and bringing in the shells. and it a second, it washes it all back into sea. in the midst, its floating, rested on the ripples. waiting for the next tide to wash it ashore.

Elaine posed 8/16/2008 11:46:00 AM | Comment

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Sunday, August 10, 2008

the mood on every 9th august seems to change every year. This year was one with no fireworks, weird lows, silences and rain. this time it was just the books.

Driving through the crowd at city hall was nostalgic. Everything became a blur of colours and lights. i remembered two years back when it was a feel good evening with lots of fun and laughter, candy floss and fireworks.Random thoughts about the future and how things would turn out. Two years later came, and things have changed much.

A year ago was a day spent playing and hanging out with new found team-mates. Doing crazy things and squeezing through the crowd. It wasnt too bad. Just that it happened to be a day when i was feeling sick and in pain. Ha. Yes and i remember the train ride there.

So this year was just weird. Half the time, i didnt know what to say, so i kinda just spaced out and stared at my book. Maybe it was just the coffee, or the pigeons, or just me being strange.

----------------------------------------

Misjudged.

its crazy when people think something of you that's completely insane.

They think she's really warped and mad. And maybe she's just playing their game, showing them what they want to see.

---------------------------------------

Elaine posed 8/10/2008 09:11:00 AM | Comment

+++++

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

yet another one of those days.

where i try and be normal. where i try and not run. And in the end, i stop a metre short from the table and go " can we not?"
and i'm back at where i started.


Its crazy viewing the number of posts i've randomly added over this short month or so. i'm wallowing in the lows of the highs of many nights ago. tam's 7 hours away and there goes my saturday night plans.


i see the weirdness. and i dont mean for it to be like that. but i know not of other means of reacting. i just stop , turn around and keep walking. and that's how it's gonna go until when we are back to status co.


sitting on my pile of work, physics revision and lots and lots of maths. but i cant seem to get my hands off my laptop and reach for my bag i'm pretty alright with wasting life away. 2 and a half weeks to prelims.


This is going to be so so fun.

Elaine posed 8/05/2008 07:11:00 AM | Comment

+++++

Friday, August 01, 2008

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

Elaine posed 8/01/2008 09:22:00 AM | Comment

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Monday, July 28, 2008

Willing yourself to believe in something and feeling it in real time is two vastly different things. Today, it both crossed paths and my insides churned. After all the psyching and clearing of my insides, i thought i was done and ready. i guess not.
i still felt like dashing, am still a free running electron finding something to collide into. and finally i crash and burn.

maybe i didnt care about everything. i'm just conveniently a catalyst, bringing forward the reaction. somehow, in theory im supposed to come out untainted, just like the original compound. yet, i feel weirdly different and displaced. got led into another world. and in this one, i've no idea what i am.

and im supposed to be happy. yes.

andimstillwillingmyselftobelievethat.

Elaine posed 7/28/2008 05:23:00 AM | Comment

+++++

Saturday, July 26, 2008

AFTER bad-ass apple shishas, everything got cleared out of my system. And i'm not complaining cause kfc wasnt that great. So thank god the greasy mess didnt end up anywhere. In place of it was all time feel good coco crunch with milk =) Really think my parents should leave me alone once in awhile. it does me good cause when im alone, i do the things they wished i'd do. i dont leave the house with a mess in my room and plates left all over. instead i made sure everything was tidied up, clean and swept before i headed out. As for the food,instant noodles didnt make the cut. Everything i craved for, wanted since forever was satisfied. It's so weird that i actually enjoyed getting my lazy arse up to finally whip up something decent. So yes, my get fat weekend is a success. awesome chicken salad, baked salmon and pasta, pancakes, nachos and cheese. oh yes, lets not forget the wine =)

and after tonight it seems like i can really do without the fog in my life. Like weiqi said, maybe i should just clear it out of my system, face up and get going. whatever that meant. i just gotta stop trying to hide/avoid/run. it'll probably makes things worse.
So yes, hi friend =D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From here, its just an overdued post from the week. More light shed. But let's just say, under the harsh lighting, nobody looks good.

I'm just convinced as the day passes that where i'm at, the people don't stick around much. And when they do, it's just a transient phase where they're waiting for the next fun. Seems like its all about calculated gains and conveniences. When the scales are tipped, that's about as far as it goes. More weird looks, funny moods and then silence. If you care to look around, its how everything has degenerated to be. Sudden revealations and notice under the bright white light. No longer fun and games. Cause yes, all the outbursts of emotions and profanities are real, silent walk aways and behind the scene debates. Yes, we'll keep pretending, we'll look away. But we sure know it's happening.

sayitintomyface.

Elaine posed 7/26/2008 01:13:00 PM | Comment

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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

it was weird this afternoon. one of those moments that had all my emotions mushed up. Really had enough of those sudden pangs of frustration, despair, anger and doubt. When i start picking up small thoughts that form their own image. 45 mins of me and radioactive decay, i was fighting to be normal again. a smile i knew i had to make. it got me thinking, what if everything was a convenience.and that we were all people brought together by sheer luck and somehow stuck in a place. people who sometimes hung around with a little more interests in common. cause how much do we really care, how much do we really bother. and really how much do we all know about each other, apart from the stress in school. its sad , its scary. wished somehow things werent like that. but it seems like thats how life's made up to be.
----------------------------------------
dont mind my melodramatic thoughts. god knows what's up with me these days. my wire gets tripped alot, im a little if-fy. and once again im reminded of how big a slut i was. im sorry. it all shouldnt have happened. i know im being selfish but somehow i wished i'd be free of it all. i dont want to be the reason for anything, dont want to be the cause. and im sorry i fked things up bad. call me a loser, but im just gonna hide for awhile now. let me stay low and dont ask me questions. cause really i dont know what in the world i want to or can do. i know i need to answer to myself, but im quite sure that can wait. cause im done thinking. done reminding myself of the mess i stirred. one night of fun turned into quicksand. sucks to be like that.

Elaine posed 7/22/2008 07:02:00 AM | Comment

+++++

Sunday, July 20, 2008

it doesnt get any easier and i'm done pretending. got enough of the im okay's and i'll be fine. cause yes maybe im not and i dont know when i'll be and i dont want to think about it. Done with figuring out cause really, there isnt much to it. I'm gonna take each day as it comes and see how long this goes on. we'll see how next week goes and if this pretending works then i'll play on. then maybe i'll say i'm fine . And like the ten other shows i've put on, it'll be flawless.
in a few weeks time, i'll be back. no more sudden moodswings, and weird ramblings that no one seems to get. i'll be the skeptic, the realist .i'll be me again. cause there's really nothing to the sugar coated fairytales.
itstoolatetoapologize.
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no more nonsense. cause everytime that happens im embarressed. like it shouldnt happen and im not me. like somehow it was meant to be done when no one's looking. People probably think im a sucidal wreck. and yes some think im on drugs. yea someone pass me some Xanax.

Elaine posed 7/20/2008 08:20:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

she once again gave the partial story away. this time to a friend she felt deserved to know. someone who genuinely wanted to help. an hour of talk, old trenches dug, yet she felt like she was okay. there was a calm in her words as she retold what she felt. like maybe it was a story she read, something she saw on tv.

it somehow worked. when she finally saw where things were heading and the mess she created, she somehow sorted things out. sorted herself out.

someone told her this today, "walk the line, but don't cross it."
and maybe she'll listen

it'llpasssomehow.

Elaine posed 7/16/2008 07:34:00 AM | Comment

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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

seems like i conjured a storm. suddenly, it sparked a chain of reactions that i wasnt sure i was ready for. in the semi-conscious state of spinning floors and a hurting head , it all went wrong. im convinced of that. cause no one, no one deserves to be part of the nonsense i stirred.

let this end.

it never was the plan. if only i took the effort to sober up and realise there and then that it was insane and uncalled for. cause for months, status co was cool.

now i wished it was all a dream. that it never happened and things were normal.
cause now i see it all. and i wish it isnt this way.

one talk and things changed . sudden realization sucks.

im sorry. sorry i dragged everyone in this. i should learn to keep my mess to myself.

Elaine posed 7/15/2008 10:04:00 AM | Comment

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Monday, July 14, 2008

it all happened, too quick, too fast and too soon. in a moment of rashness, it all come tumbling down. karma's coming around and biting her in the ass now. she knows it. she finally was on that other end.

things were fine. that was what she thought at least. cause maybe it was going to get better. yet somehow when she wasnt looking , it all came back. flashbacks she thought were buried, and words she thought she'd forget. its weird how life puts you in that position. cause somehow, somewhere along the day, you;ll see, hear and feel more clearly then you want. then you know you;re screwed. cause the hours spent buliding yourself up just crumbles and go to waste. one image and a thousand connections. everywhere there seemed to be a moment. she has nowhere to turn. words that were supposed to be comforting ended up raking the things of the past. yet she didnt want to forget and couldnt bear to snip the threads.

every corner seemed to have a piece of it. something good enough to take her away. even the walk home through the door seemed tough. cause she rememebered every word, every feeling, every emotion.

yet she knew there was no way out. she knew she was the one that fked up. and that perhaps sorry was sorry.

and even though things could have gone awry in the short span of the 7 hours and they could've just caved in and lived. she knew, it would've made things worse. and no, she didnt want to be a bitch.

ifonlytimefroze.

Elaine posed 7/14/2008 05:44:00 AM | Comment

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Saturday, July 12, 2008

drama came in all forms. the road to turning eighteen was a tough one. shouts and screams and loads of emotions. no i didnt get wasted and drunk, much less high. it was a low although i tried so hard to get stoned in someway downing cups of iced tea. well yes cause i knew i needed to straighten things out quick, real quick. cause despite everything that's going on., i still have my A's to sit for.so someone, anyone, splash water on me.

i'm sitting in my room wasting life and letting the seconds go by. sedated and tired but the thoughts dont shut down . (maybe its just the medication). things took an unexpected turn for me. cause no, i've never imagined this day to be like that. me deciding not to be near loads of people, hanging about town. no. even coffee at liat isnt drawing me out. okay i tried that yesterday and it didnt work. and maybe things just changed over time and im taking it all in now. no this so isnt the same compared to a few years back when i knew who and how i wanted to spend this day . cause maybe in this time such things dont happen anymore cause we all move on too fast ,too soon.

it sucks to be emofied cause im usually a realist that doesnt believe in the world's bountiful of emotions , r/s drama and honey-coated things.

yetimyearningforacottoncandyandacarouselride

Elaine posed 7/12/2008 11:20:00 PM | Comment

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maybe, just maybe. i lied. i was smiling. yes. but i knew of nothing else to do. there were no solutions cause this time round, the ending was written. and somehow we're inserting a chapter in between. this is going to be a tough one. no end. threads snipped yet frayed. no . it seemed like closure never came.

in a room of 2beds, three pillows and three blankets. seconds passing and nothing. there's no feeling of enlightenment as the time draws near. not any wiser, not any older. maybe, a little clearer but still drifting. in and out of life. in and out of thoughts and nothing. they draw to a blank. its like wasting life away and that feeling is scary.

Elaine posed 7/12/2008 12:56:00 AM | Comment

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Friday, July 11, 2008

what can i say. never, never in my life have a felt it so real. in a semi state of soberity, when i was certain the room was a blur, it swept me away. took me by the arms and brought me home. it was like a void finally opened and engulfed the room with its sheer emptiness and loss. took control of even the gulps of colourless liquid that seemed to scorch and burn. facing up to something hidden so deep, it felt like it was unreal. who would've thought, who would,ve imagined. there were no more hi, bye politeness. it ripped me away. And i let it flow. the streams that seemed never ending. i;m sure half a shirt was stained and half a person was struck with the craziness of sudden realization. it was all happening wrong but it didnt matter. cause at that time when dawn was breaking, it seemed like time stopped and the room stopped spinning. and i knew.

it was missed chances and bad timing. and the fked up whirlwind of situations that made everything seem wrong.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

once again perched at the low of the nights high, im on the edge of turning legal. seems different this time. real different. i no longer see the end of it all. maybe, just maybe i'll fk up and waste my life. that portion of self-evaluation shall be reserved if need be for next year. right now, i just know of straightening things out and getting things back on track. no fog, no mist, no drinks. just me.

on a lighter note, it was one hell of a night. last night raised the standard for cheesy sleepovers. one bottle of malt, one-eigth of a bottle of coffee and a bottle of fruit juice was all it took to get four people talking at the top of their voices, crazilly laughing, grabbing feets, crawling, leaning and all four stood away from their usual personas. there were no masks, just truth and in your face realness. shooters and ladders, question and answer, toilet, puke bin, weird mumblings, hot honey. these i'll take with me. and three months from now, we'll be here again finally feeling free.

dontsayimsorry

Elaine posed 7/11/2008 11:46:00 PM | Comment

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Sunday, July 06, 2008

just when she thought it was all going fine. they just had to come around and pass judgements. yea okay i get it now thank you. just keep on telling me im a wreck on the road to shitsville and screwing up my A's. i'm not muddleheaded or on drugs and gone. i sure as hell know what the fk im doing.

Call me whatever you one, a wild child, a whore, a slut and what not. I'll live with it.

somuchforcandycoloredthoughtsandwords

Elaine posed 7/06/2008 11:07:00 AM | Comment

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The night was fun and crazy and refreshing. =) Met a few comical chracters through the night and everything went up from there. Although hiding tam in a curtain wasnt fun at all, an hour later things were fine and the both of us got the vibes to party the night away. For the first time i wasnt on the outside looking in and judging. Feeling displaced and foreign. This time it was different. Two really good friends having all the fun they can have. Funny thing was two groups of totally different people crossed paths and for the first time it wasnt her feeling underage but tam feeling old. People were high and impressions were tossed aside. The night seemed young and we partied till the sun came up.

Its times like these that i wish time would stand still and i'm moving in and out of the state of semi-consciousness.

The day minus the drama in the afternoon with crazy couple was good. I now know why im single. I can't do drama in the morning with tons of people looking in on the street. Its crazy.

Elaine posed 7/06/2008 09:23:00 AM | Comment

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Saturday, July 05, 2008

It feels like a breath of fresh air. A break from the monotony and routine of recent years. A day with no expectations and aim in mind. It felt weirdly strange yet familiar- like finding an old memento from years ago. Sudden surprises were the things that made the day. It seemed like the old times and she was unchanged. And now she's merely living in the moment of a newly found foothold in life. Living each day on sudden impulses and acting on each and every thought. A mere four hours later, her life seemed organised. Not a complain about the hours of packing, dumping and sorting. And she realised, for once she felt better clear and sober.

Or maybe they're just meant for other days =)

Elaine posed 7/05/2008 03:17:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, July 03, 2008

Sucks to be in a room , cold, sickly and pink. Filled with many others who are waiting. Some of them frail, others worried and some irritated. Sucks not knowing and waiting. Just grateful that i got out of that place fast enough and only need to go back in a months time. No , im not dying. That's all i know. That;s whats on the surface at least.

-------------------------

Never contemplated the possibility of an alternate life. One i once thought would be cool to have. Freedom, complete control and irregard. Always thought it'll be no different from now. What's meeting once in a few months. As long as the money was good why not right? But no.

Have never dreaded the possibility of anything more than this. Images starts clouding my head. How it'll all be like. What was going to happen to the already thin ice. Just like the freezer thats not really working, it might never be fixed. Ice eventually melts and it all dies out. The thought of things being more fragmented then it already is just isnt even thinkable. i'll be a hollow shell walking in and out of the door. And i sure as hell know i won;t have any expectations to live up to and for. And before i know it it'll be all fuzzy and i wont even know where i am.

This time it is going to be fate and destiny and whatever else bullshit that let things happen the way they do. They'll decide now, and i'll smile and say its cool.

TheycomeinallquietsweepupandthentheyleaveAndyoudon'thearasinglefloorboardcreak

Elaine posed 7/03/2008 09:59:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Here it comes in the morning
I'm just trying to forget
Keep it real, keep it simple
Somehow just get out of bed
And this city is endlesss
I'm as cold as a stone.
Yeah this city is endless
And i'm walking alone.

Sunlight creeps in between the curtains
Lose the sheets there's no time for sleep
I lie, i pretend til i'm almost certain
Its a beatiful world

I wanna ask for directions
But i dont dare to disturb
I got a thing with affections
Yeah that's why i;m walking alone

Sunlight creeps in between the curtains
Lose the sheets there's no time for sleep
I lie, i pretend til i'm almost certain
Its a beatiful world

Here it comes in the morning...
Sunlight creeps in between the curtains
Lose the sheets, there's no time for sleep
I lie, i pretend til i'm almost certain
Its a beautiful world

Beautiful World- Carolina Liar

Elaine posed 7/02/2008 10:05:00 AM | Comment

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That one step was a huge one. No caving in and deciding to get up and go. Whatever that seemed like fun fizzled like a bottle of new soda. And in a few seconds, dies out. Cause maybe it really aint so cool, aint so fun and aint so right. Cause perhaps for some things there's no arguing, no way of making it sound right. Escapism probably is no reason for self-destruction. And yea, its not going to go down well on some of the people. No matter how hard a person argues about being who they really are, when they cross the blurred line, they do and they never return. And when they finally want a U-turn, the door closes and the people move on. Then it all goes downhill from there - just perfect.

-----------------------------------------------------

The day was good. Many good laughs and coffee at liat. How so long ago that was. Really thought it was all gone into the dark. So it was good. No drinks, no fog, no running. Just there, with the tunes of duffy and the people walking by. Letting everything just settle and sink. It aint so bad afterall. And im sure fun will come when i genuinely want it. When its not for others, and for me.

Elaine posed 7/02/2008 08:38:00 AM | Comment

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Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Seems like the night stood still and she's stuck with it. Seems like 2 cups of coffee. She's sober, awake and stuck with nothing much to do. A sudden probe led her way back into the past, the present, the future and back again - where everything's messed up and she deems herself unfit to make any life altering decisions.

She's living day after day on a blank state. Thriving on one cup of coffee in the morning to get her going. She's claiming that she's trying to figure stuff out. But what exactly? At many points in time, people walk into her life to walk right out, and the ones who stay seem to be only the same faces.Some of them make her feel empty and regret, some make her laugh. And once in awhile someone halts to take a stroll, drop her a few words. They all sound the same. "You're one wild child" , "crazy shit". "i'll never let my --------(inserts anyone who is of a close relation) do such a thing" Well mainly they revolve around you're mad and get a grip on yourself.
She starts to wonder why, when, and how it all began and then realised that all her life she was never the same as anyone. She was never normal. Never someone anyone wanted they children to turn out. Never someone anyone seriously consisered for anything. So she grows up, seeing, feeling and going through random things that others may not or never. She starts to ponder about where all these will lead her. She;s probably made as many silly mistakes a 17 year old can- just probably stopped short of being in some gang and pregnant with a kid.

Went round in circles and no answers. She was just being fluid, letting life lead her. As long as it didnt involve anything lifethreatening, she was game. One day she was feeding on nothing but air and coffee, letting the void fill her up, the next day she was crazily working on her desk and the next she could be running about town trying to feel the vibes again. Perhaps the only thing that stayed constant throughout everything was the feeling of walking down town with the same girlfriend that has been with her since forever. The warm feeling of having to say nothing for that someone to get something. Giving each other the look and start laughing. Other than that, its been a journey for her, from one point to the other. Meeting people along the way, not sure if they;d be there one year later. Seems like she was constantly on a temp site where everything only stayed status co for a short while.

And maybe through it all, she's as sober as she can be. Clear headed and hurting. Seeing her reflection in the mirror and running. Because maybe she knows. knows what it's all doing to her but it didnt matter, cause nothing else did. Maybe she didnt derive any enjoyment, just escapism. Swirlled in the fog and drinks , she didnt have to answer questions- her own and others. Didnt have to figure stuff out. So she's living on the edge, taking everday as it comes. Cause she knows it can all end too quick and too soon. The empty feeling in a roomful of patients. She didnt want it. Didnt want to feel out there in the open- exposed.

So don't catch her while she's running, she might be too harsh, too weak, too insane to listen.... But yet again when isnt she?

Elaine posed 7/01/2008 12:27:00 PM | Comment

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Thursday, November 01, 2007

never knew what i've been waiting patiently for. it wasn't coming.

but at least now i think i see where the finishing line is. I'm almost done with round one.

one thread snipped . probably another 355 more to go.

tired.is an understatement.

Elaine posed 11/01/2007 08:39:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

in and out..

i've been stepping in on my own life. Countless times i act like i'm an audience, watching the film flash by. Watching her laughs, smiles, tears and of course that emotionless face of hers. Her blank face, so beautifully seated. Yet beneath it are all the wonders, the roller coaster rides, the empty dark room feeling, rainy days, and that bus stop wait.

I watch as if i'm not her. I forget i'm actually in it. Feeling every heartbeat and prick of the finger. I hate it when i do that. Never gotten around to write like normal people. Like i had pw meeting today at my place and everyone turned up. It was alright. I'm just thankful it's ending and Jo is my grpmate. Life is boring. Okay that's an understatement. I never did get my life back. And that means so many more things then merely having a life, i'm talking about living in the moment. Okay see, i can't. I'll sidetrack and somehow end up writing in not so readable manners till my thoughts get jumbled up till i'm the only one that know what's going on.

What i need now is a rainy day, cup of coffee and i'm set. Or maybe i just need a feel movie to laugh it off.

No idea what's up. Everything seems iffy.

Okay maybe not. Its all in my head.

There's only one word for it, weird.

arghhh i'm so sickandtiredsickandtiredsickandtiredsickandtired

Its weird how i never see the ending. Like when you're finally done with something you thought would lift the clouds, you feel no different. You're stuck in that cycle where release seems like its never gonna happen.

And now release seems like the wrong word cause it's not stress.

okay i'm done.

Elaine posed 10/31/2007 07:18:00 AM | Comment

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Monday, October 15, 2007

Its weird how I keep coming back. Back to mindless rantings and what not. A blink of an eye and this year is quickly coming to an end. All the wrong choices, paths gone awry... and now, one year into the life in a place i never knew i wanted to be.

Whatever happened to 'i'll get used to it'.

In fact i never did. With every shut eye, i see what could have been. My dreams and whatever i've worked for. The piece of paper now accounts for nothing. Only when you've stepped back, you finally see what you've been striving for the past years. All the hard work... just to end up where i am now. It's so painfully ironic that i can't help but laugh.

This wasnt how i saw this year to be. Never like how i imagined. It was like a wave came by and swept everything out of order.People i never imagined i'll meet and stay around with. People i never imagined i'd fall out, avoid and now slowing talk to like nothing ever happened.

This wasnt how we made out this year to be. All of us in different places, some of us near but far apart. I hate having to say this over and over. Harping on should haves and could be's. It sucks and i know it. In denial....

Slap me hard. This time don't hold anything back. This life a cycle, hectic yet mundane, painful yet pretty. So many things not done.

All this while, the burden seemed to be coming from the nearing papers that meant nothing. Now that it's over and all the dreams and wants and wishes could come into place - it doesnt. The relief that was supposed to come didnt. There doesnt seem to have an end to this. Perhaps.. Perhaps after this two long years, it would. And i'd finally reach that end point. Just so i could go on in search of another.

-------------------------------------------

It's dumb, this whole thing is. Starting from the place to how it all begun. I can't believe that i actually went into something like that and got caught up in the whole episode of it. It's crazy.

Causeidontevenknowwhotheheckyouare.

Elaine posed 10/15/2007 09:37:00 AM | Comment

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Monday, June 11, 2007

I'm back.
Yet again perched on the hills, with the wind in my hair.
One place, many pasts.

I'm staring straight at the vast land ahead of me, trees and what nots.
Weirdly, i'm not looking for answers.
Well i guess i never have.

Time and time again,
i wrap it all up,
chuck it somewhere and its gone.
Along with last seasons glam rock.

I never needed answers to the things i already know
-----------------

The past week was really hectic, i was busy catching up with the life i missed out on - in more days then one.
Need i say more???

Elaine posed 6/11/2007 10:57:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, May 31, 2007

Closure finally came.

Along with it, freedom and life.

Yet another shopping season =)

She's up for anything...

Elaine posed 5/31/2007 10:58:00 AM | Comment

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amazing.

Sun, sweat, dirt.

One cup and many memories.

Itsallworthit =)

Elaine posed 5/31/2007 10:53:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, May 24, 2007

Like a kid that refused to give in, she turned her back and walked away.
Once, she tried breaking out , letting down her wall, got shot and turned around.
_______________________________

It goes on.
We'll spite each other, feel messed up and never turn back.
Someone told me that's gonna happen.
Is it?
_________________________________

She was frustrated, tired and everything in between.
Only to realise that someone else went through the same thing for ten weeks.
The feeling of going through months, and now realising that it was another persons pain was painful
The truth hit hard and it hurt.
___________________________________

It's karma ain't it. Karma biting me in the ass now.

___________________________________

Running after something that came close and went away.

Don'trunofftoofar.I'llnevercatchup...

________________________________

It's the sucky feeling when you somehow see more then you need, feel more then you ought to. I feel it. I think i see the another me at the end of the line. That sucks .

Elaine posed 5/24/2007 08:25:00 AM | Comment

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Monday, May 21, 2007

One glance and nothing seems the same. Somehow, there seems to be nothing more to say. Day after day, we're on the ever onward journey, leading our seperate lives.

The silence sweeps past and we're unmoved.

______________

Her face a blank canvas, white-washed . The tunes brings her back in line with her thoughts. Someone calls and she's back - wide smiles on her face.

She reaches out in vain, her words choked. There're things she didnt understand. Things she couldnt and wouldn't. The words replay in her mind...

______________

You're trying to say something and i'm listening. The lyrics says it all.

______________

She halts and reality crumbles. She realises she doesn't know where to go.

Elaine posed 5/21/2007 04:20:00 AM | Comment

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It's the never ending chase, the tough climb up the slope - which might very well end up to nowhere...

The constant drive at the back of my head's pushing me forward, willing me to stay on. My knees are weak and my heart is frail, yet i go on. Under the hot blistering sun, scars on my knees. I'm still on it, trying to prove every worth of my existence.

It's tough when you're on display. Dust and cobwebs collecting. You're waiting for that next customer that comes through the door. "Pick me, pick me...

Elaine posed 5/21/2007 04:08:00 AM | Comment

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Sunday, May 06, 2007

I felt like killing myself ten times over three times last week.

Life just get's better doesn't it?

------------------------

One thing tumbles over the other. It's now a huge tumbling snowball ready to start an avalanche...

Whatever happened to plain and boring?

I liked it that way.

Letmegoandi'llfly

Elaine posed 5/06/2007 09:08:00 AM | Comment

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Sunday, April 29, 2007

When the fake paint starts to peel, real images surface.

The faded grey and scratched surface...

Politics politics politics...

When will we start to grow out of it?

Backstabbing and false fronts.

I think I can do them too - just that i think its beneath me.

Say it into my face bitch, dont go behind my back.

Elaine posed 4/29/2007 08:34:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, April 19, 2007

hectic week, long days and endless deadlines practically sums up my past week.

The bus is moving on and im stuck here chasing after bus stops...

Coffee breaks at liat, random walks in town and strolls home are practically wiped out from my life now. It's so pathetic i feel bad even blogging about it.

INEEDAKICKASSWEEKEND!!!


````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

after awhile, once the fun and excitement fades...
the cloud clears and weariness sets in.

no idea where i'm heading - yet.

Elaine posed 4/19/2007 07:13:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

She's always on the move, on a constant journey. Never stopping. Or should i say, she never did find a place to halt.

Familiarity and security, traded in for strange and different places. She suddenly realised, the people around her were not the usuals. The atmosphere and people different. Although the same tables and situation, all else was new. She was on another part of Singapore and somehow her skirt was much shorter.

Long gone were the days of people that knew her inside out. Days where she needn’t say a word, cause she was who she is, and they knew that. People that wouldn’t ask or say more but give her a smirk and an 'oh my god can you stop it' face for feeling what she was feeling. She remembered them cracking up jokes. They were irritating but nonetheless what made life interesting.

Long gone were the days of people working towards a common goal with competition pushed aside. The times where they shared everything and anything. Mdm neo's geog tips, Mr chye's work and of course the beloved ‘zuo ye’ that everyone loved. Times where everyone got everyone's back, covering up for them when they needed to. People shoving their answers halfway through the class to get a classmate out of shit from the teacher. Doing things for the benefit of people in class.

In the days of competition, it's every man for himself. A person’s downfall, another’s' success. Every gesture and information measured inch for inch, calculated in percentages to tabulate loss.

Is this the Ugliness of reality?

Its merely the truth unwrapped from the satin ribbons, sugary pink wrapper and nice little notes. =)

Elaine posed 4/11/2007 07:33:00 AM | Comment

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Sunday, April 08, 2007

I hate it when people try and tell me that its okay or there's no point brooding about it.

I sure as hell know that its gone for good.

Don't patronize me.

Elaine posed 4/08/2007 08:31:00 AM | Comment

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Life's being a bitch now.

Some bloody son of a bitch stole my phone.
Lost my ALL my contacts, memory card in which contains years worth of picture, songs and stuff, handphone thingy and myself.

It sucks when its raining and you're standing alone figuring out the number you wanted to dial. When you realise everything was in something and that something was gone. When you only remembered two numbers which were of no help cause they were unanswered.

When you thought you could move on finally, finding your ground and all, life just decks out another pile of crap on you. When you thought your weekend was good, life just takes a turn and robs you of everything.

My phone got stolen and i think a part of me died. Im not being emo, its just the sudden jolt that woke me. Time after time, it just doesnt stop spinning. And i'm sick of trying to make everything right.

`````````````````````````````

I'm there but you're not.
You're there and i'm somehow missing.
Time and time again i try and get closer.
I can't.

My tone is harsh, words sparse.
There seems to be nothing left to say.

I'm talking to me in the mirror and it's not responding.

You're helpless and i'm lost.
We falter and both turn away.
Into silence we seek comfort.
In avoidance we seek hope.

Deluded-we try and psyche oursleves,
that it's all okay.

It's not and I don't know how to fix it.

Elaine posed 4/08/2007 07:58:00 AM | Comment

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Monday, April 02, 2007

Monday was bad. The typical Monday blues where you're still hungover from the weekends. In comparision, its just so mindless, dead, boring and so-not-fun.

Im sitting down at breaks, squeezing my brains dry, trying to find something to do. The next moment, i give up, pluck in my earphones and plop my head down on the table. You wouldnt be wrong calling me a living zombie.

I know, its depressing.

-------------------------------------

When we're just living shells, are we void of emotions? Would we be so emotionally disconnected that we find out one day that we can no longer feel for the ones we felt for, that we are no longer the same.
Its scary when it becomes two identities apart. When everything is reduced to a bare minimum- till it becomes a routine, a programmed reaction. When its done out of getting used to and not very much out of self-will.

Or tell me, is self-will ultimately stemmed from getting used to?

Elaine posed 4/02/2007 07:42:00 AM | Comment

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Sunday, April 01, 2007

A good night's fun was all i needed to feel grounded. Everything sorta just levelled itself. For the first time in this week, i was not standing at the edge.

The night was amazing. Wasn't that much of the drinks or the place, but preety much the company. The few of us having dinner at arab street, sitting and talking about everything and anything that was happening in our lives, being all crazy at MOS after where we clubbed to R&B and danced to retro music. Pure good fun with no thoughts.
For once, overdued work, tests, commitments, things to do or should be done, dread was left behind, left at home where they should be.

I like.

Weekends that were meant to unwind.

I like.

Us being together like the good times. Crashing tam's place and talking till late in the night until we finally fall asleep.

I like.

Not having to worry or think about anything.

I like.

That drink with the red flashing light thingy.

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Somehow i came back and felt different - better. I found the reasons for staying behind. I didnt want to miss out on life.

Somehow, i'm sedated. I'm learning to let things come and go. I'm learning to live.

And yes tam, i need to find that other Ed.

Elaine posed 4/01/2007 08:25:00 AM | Comment

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Friday, March 30, 2007

its that feeling again.

I finally went back and got sucked into the beauty of things. The fictional and material characters, lookalike props, twists, stories and lives of many people twined into one space. I saw the end product of a beautifully crafted story, the people within them that've sold hours and hours of their time to make it happen- they didn't look bored or grumpy or unhappy. No doubt the long hours, weary faces and whines. Above that, you see their joy, when each characters come to life. When you sink into the moment, the stage, the space, your space. When you do the things you love doing. Seeing your ideas and pieces formualte.

That's never gonna happen. Ever.

Like someone said, i just got to move on. But how much exactly is it going to take? I'm just living day in day out trying to correct the wrongs and multiple dumb choices that i very smartly made over weeks and hopefully will stop whining about how dumb i was and still am.

Seeing it all happen in one day was just too much to take. Well thank god i wasn't alone into this. No doubt, looking back and whining wouldnt help. But having people there did. Thanks =)

I know that in months i might adopt a different perspective. I'd love whatever i was playing , the mud and everything. For now, it just ain't happening.

Elaine posed 3/30/2007 09:45:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

When everything's in full swing, you just can't seem to stop.

Its like this in school, day in day out. Lecture, tutorials, cafe, library and the cycle continues. I used to do all that minus the library visits and somehow it feels so much different.
Without the crazy people , the laughter and all the talks and debates about homo, the bridge games, the 'lets all go to the balcony' , nine squares and attending front row lectures-life in school is boring.
Its the endless cycle of work and more work, me trying to be a mugger and actually do stuff in the library.

Oh, did i say, someone told me i was a prefect kinda person and to them i AM a mugger. HA. I wonder how long i can keep to that. =)

Elaine posed 3/28/2007 06:38:00 AM | Comment

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Sunday, March 18, 2007

The holidays flew by real fast, it's almost ending.

Had the most fun this holiday hanging out with many many ppl. Studying at esplanade, hanging out with yuran, weiqi, S07 and OG 19 outing at ECP, post- b'dae celebrations with eve and Romp 2 @ St james.

Will miss everyone that's leaving/left.

Life will be so so different just hours from now when the mugging sets in. Its soo weird that the whole mugging thing is starting so soon. I don't even think i was like this during the O's. HA

here's some random pics of the thing we did as a class.

Elaine posed 3/18/2007 07:57:00 AM | Comment

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Saturday, March 10, 2007

One after another, things start to fall apart.

In mere 24-48 hours, attitudes changed, people changed. No idea what went wrong or what the hell happened. The sudden changes and one word replies. 3 months of everything seemed to go with the wind. This is when they'll say that's what happens when you rely on them too much. People just screw you over and over.
Hence the theory of following through with your dreams and detaching. Friends can be temporal but decisions made are carved in stone, never to be unwritten...

Ificouldiwouldleaveandneverreturn.There'snolongerthesenseofbelonging.

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Meeting up with yuran after all the drama was good. It's like i managed to throw everything out and i finally heard honest replies. What i needed wasn't the it's okay speech. I got the cold hard truth, just what i needed to get me going.

Like he says, never stop until the fat lady screams. I'm giving it once last shot. It's everything i've got.

Elaine posed 3/10/2007 09:25:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, March 08, 2007

I finally plucked the courage to correct whatever mistake i made. I ran after whatever it was i wanted and still want. I pulled out everything i got, i knew when i was there that i found where my motivation came from. James was right. What did i waste 4 years of my life for? What kept me going? Wasn't it all about the A's that could get me to a top institution?

I ran so hard i barely knew what i was doing.

And then i had to screw myself over by deciding to stop steps in front of the finishing line. I was there. I pictured myself- finally at peace. Almost as it came, insecurities and all the what if's setted in. Withdrawling from SAJC just sounded scary. I wasnt ready yet. Okay when was i ever?

For the third time in my life i felt like slapping myself. I still don't know what in the world got into me. I tried sooo hard, i knew i wanted to be there, so what held me back? Why do i always have something tugging at me? The worry of not coping, of not fitting in. These were just excuses. And so, someone else took my place and that was it. By 5 when i wasnt there, i gave everything away. My place, my dreams, my results and the whole nine yards.

That was the last ever chance i got. I had three whole friggin times to change everything. And down to the last one, i still messed everything up. Tonnes of people (including myself) are screaming at me now. Some are just trying to say nice stuff to cheer me up, but i guess we all know why.

thegrassissomehowalwaysgreenerelsewhere..............

oh well. doesnt it all boil down to my smart decisions?

Elaine posed 3/08/2007 04:57:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Everything feels like it has re-setted. The same buildings, things and places. But different events, feelings and people all together. Just two days ago, we were stepping into school dreading long 1.5 hour chem lectures, trying to make each other pon maths tutorial. Just mere 48 hours later, we were once again different people grouped together for 3 days, trying to find fun in things we've done months before. We're doing the same things, yet somehow its not the same. Everyone's here and there, people are crashing in and out of OG's, finding ways and means to skip anything, anything at all. There's no 'OMG, i can't wait for tomorrow!'.
Thank god i still managed to crash OG22. If not it would have been sooo boring.

On a lighter note, yesterday was fun. Before everything changed and people re-settled into their new schools, we stole one last day of fun. Although we were very much just playing cards mahjong and hanging out, it was cool. Went to town then serenas' house then back to P.S again for dinner. Will miss 07So7!!! and all the wonderful people. =)

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Up till today, there's still that gnawing thought at the back of my head. Are my choices at the end of the day right? It's so weird that i always come to this point and not dare do anything about it. Think i let it slip by and it's so far off , i have no strength left to run after it. Now i know what i wanted 6 weeks ago.
Butwhatthehellitdoesntmatteranymore.

Elaine posed 3/07/2007 05:01:00 AM | Comment

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Sunday, March 04, 2007

Ever had that feeling you were expecting something to happen? Ever had that feeling where you knew that something wasn't right but there was nothing you could do to stop it? And when it happens, it's scary. Cause you were willing yourself to believe that it was all in your head and nothing was gonna happen.

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Was there a time, when you wanted something so badly yet you couldn't get it? Imagine the Birken when you just couldn't get through to the sales assistant. When you didnt have any connections that could put you on the list. When you knew your only way was through your friend. Yet once your back turned, you knew she immediately crossed your name out of the list. She wasn't gonna let you wait 5 years and let you get it, she wanted you to wait, 10 , no 20. Till your hair was grey and that Birken didn't matter no more. What would you do?

Elaine posed 3/04/2007 12:39:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

No idea when it started to pour. Somehow, the rain seems to have a particular connection. Weird but true. How i wish i wasn't seventeen, then perhaps i could jump around in the rain without being called crazy. How i wished i could just lie there...

For now, it's still the crowding under someone else's umbrella and try not and be drenched kinda time. Even so, i walked home under the pouring rain and somehow that seemed like the perfect thing to do. It's been so long since i ever felt this way.

When something dearest to you seems to be on the verge of being taken away. what do you do??? That magazine on the rack on the verge of being snatched-by someone you never imagine would have.
You make a mad dash and hopefully it ain't too late.

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Perhaps i already figured out whatever's going on inside that head of mind. I just don't seem to understand what it all means. I try not to let it drift into my head. i try to block out everything i didnt need to hear cause- what you dont know wouldn't hurt you. And its true. I sorta guessed that would be how things would turn out. I knew that the decision was made long before. Just that it would make it look better if i took it in parts.

Itdoesn'tmattertome.Ohwhoamikidding.

Elaine posed 2/28/2007 05:29:00 AM | Comment

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Monday, February 26, 2007

Walking through the familiar streets, i wanted to find my ground. The feeling of adrendaline rush, the alluring scent of slashed price tags, the rushing from one place to another and never having enough time. I wanted to feel the buzz of town. I wanted to feel like i felt before. Retail therapy---it cured me just like before . At least for a moment =)

It's one of those days where i just wanted to sleep everything away......

One of those days where i left things unsettled, hoping that they'd resolve themselves. Yet turning around to find things the way they were, only a tad more complicated. Random thoughts flying in and out of my head, i never did get the chance to figure anything out. A moment of silence was all i asked for, yet the silence made things worse. I never got the chance to pour out the things i wanted to say cause the more i tried, the more lashings i got back. I kept hearing the words i never needed to hear. I defended myself and finally fell silent. I got the silence i wanted yet somehow it sounds scarier. Turns out, it was the opposite of everything i wanted.

Come to think of it, it all sounded wrong. Everything was so weird it didnt make any sense. No idea what your reasons were. But still, it was clear enough for me to understand.

inowknowthatsomedayifievergoawaythere'dbesomeoneeagerenoughtotakemyplace
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Elaine posed 2/26/2007 06:56:00 AM | Comment

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Saturday, February 24, 2007

With whatever she had on and nothing else, she went on. Aimlessly, looking for the next sign. At times like these there were no traffic lights, no road blocks. The road was strangely empty. She wanted to run to where the sun was bright, the beach was beautiful and the waters calm. She wanted to stare at the scenery with breeze blowing gently in her hair........

Something felt wrong, strangely out of place. She didn't know what more to do, she just ran.

letthewindsclaimme

Elaine posed 2/24/2007 08:00:00 AM | Comment

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Saturday, February 17, 2007

Friday was eventful.

Celebrations were as usual. Sat around, watched performances, stoned and slacked around. Wonder how i'm gonna spend this kinda days once wanxin's gone.

Once the MC's announced the end of celebrations, zj and i immediately went outta school and headed for town. Last min new year shopping proved un-fruitful. I just wasn't getting the new year vibe. Didnt feel like anything red/orange/pink/nice. Went around all the shops not liking anything.

It's really really strange. Since the year started, i've never been feeling the shopping vibe. It's as if i've lost my senses. Am in a weird space. The me now seems just a little outta place. I'm not somewhere i'm used to. I'm still out and about, but i feel different somehow. Coffees at liat, rushing from shops to shops, never having enough time for anything - seems long and far away. God knows what's up with me. Am feeling the rainy days and hot chocolate by the window. Leave me in a room filled with good music and i'll be happy. Transition, transition......

Ended up, we were done at 2 and decided to join the guys for pool AGAIN. I swear that place is my second home. Ohhh.. but I WON BOTH JERICO AND WEIHAO!!! Eve joined us before her date, went for a quick dinner and headed back. Managed to take a shower and immediately got pulled out to clarke quay for drinks. Below are some random pics at 'clinic' which preety much sums up my night.

Our 'sickbed'.

Really does look like a ward doesn't it ?

Anita.

Cam-whoring with Qing Yun.The little cute bottle i drank my 'blood' from.

Oooo.. And my dose from the hot nurse.

Elaine posed 2/17/2007 07:04:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Loads and loads of life-changing stuff happened in just mere days...

Whatever i strongly held on to the past years, i managed to let go - the thoughts and holding back. I'm just glad it happened. =) Every second of it.

Shocking news is - I GOT 7 FOR MY O'S!!! Believe it. The years of mugging and complaining, regretting i didnt try hard enough paid off. The hours in front of chem, amaths,emaths and phy tys proved useful. Wearing that green skirt and being in that brand new campus everyone wanted to enter no longer a dream or a wish never meant to be fufilled. Worries about not being able to wear the grey uniform vanished. I could actually get into them.

The funny thing is, now that it's attainable, i no longer feel the sudden urge to name myself a rafflesian or a nationalist. Or maybe i do, just that the fear of re-adapting and thought of leaving everyone else behind kept me back. Maybe in two years time, i'll be back here regretting not going into any of those schools. I know deep down that it was a dream, to get into somewhere where my path was going to be secured, to be in somewhere where my dad would be proud of me. I knew a long time ago, i wanted to get in there so badly. I wanted to be able to tell my brothers and my cousins that their hopes on me were not wasted- that i managed to finish off what they never managed to do. But life, never does go the way we plan ,does it?

Am officially a S.A.I.N.T now. My heart is a little shaky but nonetheless i know this is where my heart brought me. I know perhaps i'm staying for all the wrong reasons-my friends/bffs/pals but time will tell. I might not be doing the rightest thing, but i guess i will be happy here.

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The past few days went by a like summer breeze. Saturday was a day out at zj's place busy baking valentine cookies and having dinner with eve before joining my bro for soccer. Sunday was a group outing which ended with seoul garden and a nice view of the night sky. Eve came over that night and we went on doing our usuals on Monday. Slacking around my place, cooking and just doing nothing at all. Tuesday was feeling sick day. Had a really bad flu and everything attached to it. Good thing was I WON BOTH CHENG XIANG AND ZEMIN!!! which ultimately cheered me up. OG dinner was at fish and co.

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My next valentine, i wonder where i'd be...........

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Just some pics before we got our results.

Thats's how nice Anderson is now. They even have cool study corners.

2404!!! Awaiting our results.

Us trying to get some good karma from ZY. Ha =)

And how can we not have the BFF picture.

Elaine posed 2/14/2007 04:54:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Ha. This is kinda overdue. But ya. Sunday was slacking day at my bro's place. Went for a swim and hung out abit.



Me and eve at cosy bay where i met long time friend - Billson who was working there. Ha. Funny experience =) Anyways. It was cool.

Its amazing how time and distance didn't matter to us. Cause we're still as close as ever, picking up wherever we left off.

Elaine posed 2/07/2007 05:41:00 AM | Comment

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This pretty much sums up my life in the past few days. Ha. Lessons were preety much just about cam-whoring and 'studying'.

That's Kat and me. Wanxin's squashed in between cause she refused to take a picture. I bet Kristie's thinking what the hell were we doing.

Yep, thats good old Wanxin.

That's a typical scenario in class. See the difference between the hardworking people and the slackers at the back?? =P
Was soooo bored during physics tutorial that i fiddled with my camera at the back. Ha. Wanxin ditched me that day.

My bro was supposed to bring me for a checkup on MONDAY but he came super late and i ended up not going for it. That's him being inefficient. Thank god someone was being super nice and decided to wait with me =)

TUESDAY was quite a weird day. Don't ask me why. Anyways, zj went with me to the clinic at amk and we walked around amk central. Its so friggin unfair that the mall's ready now. And it has SUBWAY in it!! Think about the days when all we had was kfc and mac's.

And lessons today were super boring. Was falling asleep half of the time. Ha. But we finally got a picture of the four SAINTS/J2/retainee wannabes....

Elaine posed 2/07/2007 05:22:00 AM | Comment

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Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Am in one of those moments where my life looked like a black and white movie, played two times slower. Every emotion displayed and magnified. I'm sitting among the audience, watching as every event unfold. I'm not feeling what she's feeling. I'm not judging her.

At times like these, we sleep it away, silently hoping that life never catches up. We stay still and hopefully if we're quiet enough, that tear might just slip pass. And life will go on.

When we cross paths with fate, the unexpectable happens. And when it happens, i won't be surprised.

Elaine posed 2/06/2007 07:40:00 AM | Comment

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Saturday, February 03, 2007

Met up with eve at P.S today. =) Missed her soo soo much! Ha. It was nice catching up. We're gonna make it to the same school the next time ya?

Us looking good, as always =p. Ha.

Caught that for memories sake. =)
And now we're just cam-whoring .

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Went on a mini journey in town earlier on...

On the rooftop where the wind was blowing and the stars were bright.

The vomitting merlion that everyone wants to see.. Arts house.
I'm sure i was here last christmas =)

random void.

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Never did find the right time or the right words. There's just so much to say that goes unspoken...

Elaine posed 2/03/2007 08:37:00 AM | Comment

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Friday, February 02, 2007

Its high time i updated. Loads and loads of amazing stuff happened. Ha. And i miraculously got my net back on. =)

Wed --- X-country
The once a year bonding event where we either end up running away amidst the bushes or stroll through the park with our pals and pals to be. This years cross country was no different. Our CG bonding ended up to include wanxin , kat and wanyi. The rest of the girls just ended up running. Anyways the real 'fun' came when we went to crowded subway at ECP that ran out of bread, bacon and lettuce. Hungry people with no food. Need i say more??? After getting over half- toasted sandwiches, the rest of us went over to play pool. HA. And this time I WON CHENG XIANG. =)=) Seriously have no idea how i get chances like these. Pool was fun as i attempted to be 'tai-ko' and try and act like i know what im doing while the real players play. Had amazing company which was all that mattered. The day didnt end there. After wanxin had to go meet her beloved, zemin leave for his match, chengxiang to his heartland mall we ended up going shopping with iven, which was so funny and weird cause i didnt know guys shopped! Apparently in SA they do and that's super cool. Imgaine many many more shopping partners...

Morning sun @ East coast.Wanxin and i entertaining ourselves. =)

And yes, that's us trying to navigate in East Coast.

Thursday
was feeling emo day. Ha. But thankfully for all the wonderful people around me the day ended good. Okay no. AMAZING. Went to vivo right after school and some big kid brought me to Toys'R Us so that i could be amazed by the toys there. Hate to admit it, but it really is kid's heaven. Spent nearly and hour day gawking at the new and improved versions of the toys i used to have. It was fun. Ha. But i have to say beforehand, im not kid =) unlike someone. Spent hours up on the roof area, watching the day go by. That was one of those times you wished the day would stop there and then. That you could sit there with wind in your face and you were happy doing nothing at all.
Next half of the day was no less interesting. 07S07 had dinner at Fish and co. Hours filled of fun, food and loads and loads of cam-whoring. Ha. We were virtually putting our heads into random pictures here and there and creating a din - which was FUN! Gathering shifted to place of all happiness - Ben and jerry's where we smartly used to class fun to order twenty scoops of ice cream. Cam-whoring continued, we listened to the people jam and ate ice cream. The whole bunch of us were only willing to leave at 10 plus. Was super tired. But it was well worth it. =)

Yeap. I am.

07S07 with Ms Leong That's us cam- whoring in Fish and Co.

Again.

Kat and SharonMarkKai jie, Joseph, Pee Hua and meDon't you just love the prints on the pillow =P Girlfriend!!!Crazy over Ben and jerry's.

Friday
was supposed to be wear the SA uniform and cam whore day. But thanks to that smart zemin who refused to end his basketball game even though wanxin called out for him twice, we ended up eating chicken rice at potong pasir. Ha. Oh did i mention he sprained his leg and had to use crutches? And didnt know how to tie the ice bag properly and made the whole thing spill on the floor and wet cheng xiang's bag? That's the thing funny friends do. Ha. It was a waste wanxin couldnt be there. Her words of comfort would have meant more ya?

At this point in time i'm thankful for all the wonderful people i've met and the great times i've had- Wanxin, eugene, zemin, chengxiang and the entire 07S07. =)

Elaine posed 2/02/2007 09:12:00 PM | Comment

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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Hmmm lets see... My phone was close to dying yesterday so i sent it for repair. And thanks to a smart-ass, i got it back a day earlier =)=)=) HAHA. Really think all my brain cells died after consecutive days of physics and math tutorials. Seriously speaking, my mind is blank. I just know that i had fun hanging out with the WONDERFUL people around me. Would'nt trade anything for the times i had. And even if, after all the persuading and hoping, we still go our seperate ways, i really hope we'd remember whatever we had.
Have been out and about everyday since last week. Thurs was lunch in P.S, Fri was dinner with the usuals, Sat was IMM thing , Sun was out 'studying' day , Mon, was subway and phone-fixing in town, Walked around P.S AGAIN and went to collect my phone today, Tomorrow's cross country and outing with 'OG 19', CG dinner at Cartel this Thursday, and lunch again this Friday. Ha. See what i mean.

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Never thought i'd be sucked into all this all over again. Seems weird that it's actually happening now and i can't explain why and how and what. Still in the midst of the guessing game and am nowhere close to the end. And for this Tam gave me the'best ever advice she'd ever given to anyone' - ''We tend to regret the things that we never did''

Elaine posed 1/30/2007 06:33:00 AM | Comment

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Sunday, January 28, 2007

In life, there's the never ending journey of finding that perfect bag. However we hate to admit it, that LV bag's going to be there. Yes, its boring and predictable but sitting on top of the shelve, it's there forever with its lifetime warranty, never backing out. At some point, the urge of getting that current 'It' bag sets in. The Fendi spy , that balanciaga - flashy, interesting and fun. But is that what we're looking for??? Three years down the road, the spy bag's gonna be old news. The thrill dies out and you're out again searching for another. Somewhere deep inside we know what we're seeking isn't that heat-of-the-moment thrill. What we want is something we can always fall back on, the comfort that it's always going to be there. And in the midst of all that, i'll be on this path, finding my way to the timeless Birkin.

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Weekends. Weekends. Feel good and Fun.
Friday night was good. Got my way out of the m'sia trip. Had dinner with the usual, plus tonnes of catching up. Ha. Tam and weiqi came over for a sleepover. We cooked, ate truffles and re-watched SATC. =)
Had to drag myself out of bed the next day to meet zemin,cheng xiang and eugene at IMM. Wanxin decided to be lazy and left me alone there. Sunday was good too, managed to 'study' for my chem test and had great company. XD Shall leave all my blogging for tomorrow cause i'm dead tired.

Elaine posed 1/28/2007 06:05:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, January 25, 2007

Dont you just love the rain??? The drizzles and the sudden downpours, predictable yet unpredictable. When the wind blows, it passes through you and you feel awake. You're standing alone watching as life passes by. You're tranquil and at peace - at least for that moment. You're wishing that you'll stay in limbo. That things will pause right there and then. You're half believing in the rainbow after the rain. Hoping that perhaps if you stayed a little longer, things will be different. Yet you're unsure what it all means.

Maybe the sky will clear and it'll be sunny again . By then, you'll be sitting by the window hoping that it'll rain once again. Hoping that you'll catch a glimpse of the arc of seven colours in the sky.

Elaine posed 1/25/2007 06:04:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Am super friggin tired right now. But i guess it was well worth it. Can't believe i'm actually WANTING to go for the next training and am trying to find ways not to go to KL this weekend. Cause if i dont go for it, i get to go for touch rug orientation this fri, the friendly match on sat and OG 19's thing at IMM.

Lessons in school were as usual. Preety much just sat through everything without really absorbing. Ha. But its funny how i'm getting sucked into everything all over again. Thought i'd never fit into anything here and was that close to detaching. And guess what, i don't feel like it anymore. This place seems fine. Am not running back to my comfort zone of the stage and the plays. Am actually trying out something entirely different and liking it. =)

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It's hard not to think about what's going to happen next. The next step seems tough. The thought of weighing and letting go seems painful. Am i willing to compromise distance for that sense of belonging? Would i stay for the people? And if i left, what would i be bring along? Would i leave without ever knowing or am i supposed to take a chance at whatever's left??? This time - You tell me.

Elaine posed 1/24/2007 06:09:00 AM | Comment

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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Was on the way back with Wanxin on the train just now when we saw a weird bunch of convent girls. They somehow decided to stop walking when they reached our cabin and placed themselves right in our line of vision. First thing that struck me was the slab of thick foundation on all of their faces and eyeliner. It started us the both of us on the topic of how lame it was to wake up at five in the morning just to put on makeup for school. Seriously, why bother. No one's gonna bother right? Then out of nowhere this guy with orange coloured explosive hair squatting at the side caught our attention. Needless to say, he was one of their boyfriends and his hair was really hilarious. Wan xin couldn't stop laughing at it. They were then joined by this i-look-so-damn-cool girl who was talking on the phone. We were about to stop being mean and move on to talk about what we were going to do after 1st three months until she turned around and said to her friend, '' I need to sneeze la, knn'' . I was like what?! Tried to supress my chuckle and gave up halfway after wanxin broke out in laughter once again. And you know the best part. The girls weren't carrying any textbooks or anything and instead on one of their arms was a marie clarie's hair and makeup book. Ha. I never knew they taught such stuff in school nowadays. =)

Its times like these i look back and thank the heavens that yuran and tam pulled me out of all the nonsensical stuff i did back in the early days. I really wonder if i had been like that once before. Seriously hope not. It's kinda scary.

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In three weeks from now, would we really eventually drift away into our own world??? Would we be in a world on our own once again, without the few people that touched our hearts and stepped into our lives. Perhaps we were brought together to be torn apart like we were brought to life to await death.

Perhaps it's the cold hard fact that it will be this way, no matter how much we try to resist. But it's human nature to resist change. To cling onto whatever's left and hope that things won't fade away with time. Like a child holding on tightly to the sand in her hands...

Maybe you're right, it is not that easy to hold on to something like this unless there's something special or some link and as much as I don't want it to... it will be this way. And there'd be nothing i can do to change it.

So for now we'll just cling onto whatever's left and perhaps time will slow down and perhaps then, it wouldn't be that tough...

Elaine posed 1/23/2007 03:14:00 AM | Comment

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Monday, January 22, 2007

School's same old same old. Tutorials, lectures and more work.

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Detaching------- that's what it says on zj's nick. And perhaps i'm trying to too. Its funny how your mind and heart plays games with you. For a second you thought you were ready to leave, ready to move on to somewhere. You try telling yourself that the canteen food isn't that good after all, the friends here might not be the ones that'd be there at the end of the day and facilities didn't really matter. Like i said you try. And even if i were able to put aside the materialism of facilities, food and teachers, there's something deep inside that's stirring my decisions.

I have a gnawing thought at the back of my head. There are in fact things that i'm not ready to leave behind. Perhaps i might be able to say it's all fine, maybe in a couple of weeks or months i'd be fine. I'd take it that nothing ever happened and i was still the same person. But for now, it seems like there's something calling out my name, compelling me to leave that door open. The path of running back i still want to keep open. I refuse to lock that door and put everything else at the back of my head. I would'nt want to leave with regrets. I wouldn't want to leave without ever knowing.

When all the decision's done and the form's submitted, it'll be too late for anything. There'd be no turning back and banging on the door crying. I'm half sure i'm not staying, logically speaking it's far, too far in fact. But if i said i was willing to stay for all the wrong reasons, would you believe me??? No idea what exactly's holding me back.....okay no i'm kidding, i do know. And i know i'd get killed and screamed at for it. Ha.

Elaine posed 1/22/2007 04:50:00 AM | Comment

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Sunday, January 21, 2007

If i said i was ready to go, would it mean anything? When i finally manage to detach myself of the familiar surroundings and people, would i be really ready to go? Or willing in anyway to leave behind whatever i have here?

I told myself and a friend that its then that i would say all the things that i wanted to say. The minute before i leave for that other place. Only then would the time be right. Only then would it not matter. By that time, it'll all be too late and there'd only be one path left. The one of parting and a better place , maybe. The easiest route.

Perhaps from the start it never did matter. But yet it might be me being a pesimist all over again. Maybe i'm just done with the guessing game and status quo seems fine. Maybe, just maybe.....

Elaine posed 1/21/2007 01:53:00 AM | Comment

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A new layout, a whole new look.
Ha. The last one was way overdue. And thanks to a kind soul, my job was just to find the layout and wait for it to come back edited. =) If not , i think i would have gave up halfway like the other time. Anyways, thanks for all the trouble!!! And i still feel bad for making you stay up till soooo late.

Okay. Yesterday was good. I was saved from boredom and Chelsea lost. =)=)=) It could'nt have been better. Was stuck in the middle of eng neo ave in bukit timah trying to watch the match on the blur screen and gave up after the second goal to end up stoning. The good thing was that my msg got sent to the wrong person and it all turned out to be a great coincidence. Need i say more???

Oh and a piece of good news------ I SOLD MY BAG!!!. Haha. Lesson learnt - Never buy things on impluse. You always end up regreting and paying for it in someway.

Elaine posed 1/21/2007 01:20:00 AM | Comment

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Friday, January 19, 2007

One surprise after another....... Ha. That's yesterday summed up.

Lectures and tutorials were as usual. Well maybe as the day went by, i missed having my BFF beside me. That someone who was always there when I couldn't make out what the teacher was saying and that someone to argue the teacher's explainations with. What can i say, we've been around each other for 4 years straight. Two years behind and two years beside. Ha.

Waited around school for all the various people and finally was willing to leave at 3 plus. Headed for town and pain aside, all was well. Plenty of fun and jokes, only that i was preety sure i missed out on half of everything cause i was close to dying of pain. Yes, i only have myself to blame cause i refused to being my med out cause I thought i'd be fine. Ha. Yea, nice thought. Whole group of us went to subway to get a late lunch and preety much slacked there. Many people complaining they got cheated to come but stayed anyway =) Alot of jokes and laughter which was quite unexpected really. But i guess we all had a great laugh.

After the guys left, zj and i went on to shop around town. And guess what, i met yuran in zara!!! Which was sooo crazy cause i was just telling zj that i had this feeling i was going to bump into one of them. Then at wheelock, a few guys ran up to us to ask where zj got her bag from cause they thought it was nice. We went down the escalator to run back up again when i remembered my bag!!! A potential buyer!!! Turns out they were from SAS , just across the river. Anyways left my number cause he needed time to consider and we went off. Half an hour later, we bumped into them AGAIN and he told me that i gave the wrong number. Turns out i didnt even rmb my own number correctly! HA. I feel so dumb. Am going to make a point to remember my number, my dad's number and my bro's number. Yes. That's the plan...

Elaine posed 1/19/2007 11:09:00 PM | Comment

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Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Dragonboat is soooooooo not my thing. Yes, its fun and all. BUT the travelling sucks and people who find joy getting soaked in 'long kang' water didn't make it any better. In a nutshell, we paid four bucks to feel shitty and disgusted . Need i say more??? Thank god anna, jody and zj were there. Well i think we would have seemed like big time whiny bitches the whole time though. It wasn't that bad at first, but when the splashing and stupid ideas of capsizing the boat came in, we had no choice but to react the way we did. Yes, i do understand that everyone else is having fun and we should not be wet blankets, but there is a time to stop and people just keep going on and on.

Ha. But dinner later was cool. The company was fun. Jody and Zj were being their usual selves- chatty and frank asking eugene and chen xiang tonnes of questions. Felt like another one of those truth- or-truth times ( minus the shocking details).

Well JC life is officially beginning tomorrow. The real fun kinda ends here with the arrival of tutorials and long days. :( Cliques will start to break apart with time as we move along searching for different things in life. And the whole cycle repeats itself..........

Elaine posed 1/17/2007 06:48:00 AM | Comment

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Monday, January 15, 2007

Today was fun!!! Felt like the good old times again. Me and zj pon-ed canoeing to meet darren and jerico for pool in the afternoon. And guess what, we both managed to get a top while waiting for the both of them to arrive. Efforts to try and win darren went down the drain but ZJ WON JERICO and that was all that mattered. Our day was made when we decided to step into zara AGAIN. It was so amazing, zj found two tops at 5 dollars each. =) On our way to liat, met ruth and engene on the road and zj crazily tried to persuade ruth to have subway with her. No idea why she is soooo obsessed with overpriced sandwiches. Anyways, they waited for us to comb through the whole store before heading for food. Really felt so bad making them wait. But ha, shopping overights everything ya??

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At the end of the day would you let your heart overrule your mind? Once, twice and over again we've will-ed overselves to stick to our decisions. The deal was to make friends, have fun and leave. Just two weeks into this and it already seems impossible. We seem to be attached to our new found surroundings and friends. But are we staying for all the wrong reasons??? I'm not saying i know what's best for me, but will life in another place really be better? Parvie's in AJ doing drama and happy. After all the bitching and complaining, i still think i have that sense of attachment to the things we do there. The mad rush before productions, crazy rehearsal schedules, aussie trip and all the fun friends. I miss all the wonderful people in my life.... yuran, tam and weiqi... Ha.. thanks for being there through my ah-lian days and making me who i am now =)

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When things get blurred out, do you just sit it out??? When you're not exactly sure where you're heading, do you stop and look around or keep moving? Im stuck in a phrase where i just live life the way it is and stop all the questioning. Weeding out all the questions and doubts along the way, cause i guess we're better off not knowing.......

Elaine posed 1/15/2007 06:43:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, January 11, 2007

Am currently at the com lab wasting time away with the biggest bimbo ever, Kimberly, who loves cheerleading :)

Wan xin is niceeee. I love her for being in the same class.
Zemin is jurong boy of the year. And Kimberly is not letting me type with my dotz.. Cheng xiang is evil. He didn't reply me online so he's dao boy the second.
Dao boy is dao. He doesn't talk. He is so dao. Kimberly loves him because he's dao and she thinks he's coolza!!
Sophie is NEW PAPER NEW FACE. She is so pretty and rich and French.
Cheryl is a bung/butch, she plays basketball and has short hair and wears a cap backwards. But I still love her!!! & Kimberly cause Cheryl is cute but not Kimberly cause she's bimbotic and we're joining CHEERLEADING together.
Choir boy is so choir boy because he can sing the school song. And he sings it better than me. And did I mention, he's poster boy toooo! Eugene is really nice too cause he repaired my computer! And I'm finally connected to the world. :) Iven is THE ATTRACTIVE ONE! Brandon is sexy cause Kimberly thinks so.

Kimberly is staring at me with her bimbotic face and flicking her hair. I think she's abit crazy. But it's okay, I'm crazy too. I am amazed I actually got an A2 with my AWFUL England. I think it's powderful though. :D

Love you lotsaaa!!!

I IS BIG BIMBO NEHHX KAWAII.

Elaine posed 1/11/2007 06:31:00 PM | Comment

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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

oh dont we love the guessing game, we go round and round in circles... chasing blindly, we end up right where we started.. at base point.. oh dont we love the guessing game, we never know when to stop.. we keep on going even when the problem's solved.. oh dont we love the guessing game.. no one knows the answer.. we're all kept in suspense. oh dont we love the guessing game, we'll never never know......

dont we just love the occasional hot espresso shots, like that neat whiskey.. the no frills approch..with no long thoughts over that cuppa black coffee.. maybe this has nothing to do with coffee.. but wouldnt it be nice if everything was put out in the open.. i know.. it would rid the joy of everything.. but wouldnt it be a tad simpler..???

Elaine posed 1/09/2007 06:37:00 AM | Comment

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Monday, January 08, 2007

'The punchline to the cosmic joke is that when you get used to something, it'll probably change. But if your habits are regular, dealing with life's curve balls will be easier. The situation is evolving but not in an adverse course.'

It's really true when they say that all good things must come to an end. cliche but true.. One can never stay put in one place forever, contented with what they have.. We're always on an ever -ongoing journey of life where the law of unpredictability thrives. No matter how much we hope or wish that things stay put the way they are, we're always rushed off to somewhere else..somewhere they say life will continue and flourish.. its times like these where we start to wonder where exactly we are heading to.. our reasons for being here..

With time , they say we'll see what all this is about and what's been laid out for us. We'll weed out those friends that just went away silently into the night and keep those close ones beside.. With time, they say we'll understand. We'll stop questioning and start living life the way it is..

I might never understand the complicated reasonings that lay behind each and every movement.. each and every turn of events in life..and i might never will.. Its just that at times like these, we've got no choice but to keep looking forward and hope that someday or another, we'll find that feeling and sense of belonging again.. We'll feel the joy we felt years ago.. meet people that would once again step into our lives and play a part..

Elaine posed 1/08/2007 07:32:00 AM | Comment

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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

a few great friends, bottle of bubbly, right place.. and you get a christmas celebartion.. spent it with the usual people...had amazing dinner at chijmes...and our annual, walk to st agnes cathedral for midnight mass...and go, damn its full again ...next year then and moved along...desserts at clarke quay...everything was great.. okay i was overlooking the fact that pain was radiating from my feet upwards.. did the stupidest thing by going shopping in my heels before the dinner.. i swear if it wasnt for the calvin klein shoes i wouldnt have squeezed through the crowds in town and suffered for it afterwards.. never never believe in comfortable heels.. they dont exist.. it seriously is an irony on its own.. heels are never comfortable.. walk in them for hours and you start to feel the pressure acting on your heel.. lesson learned- bring flats whenever you know you're preety heels wont last you long..

Elaine posed 12/26/2006 07:34:00 AM | Comment

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Sunday, December 17, 2006

When your advisors go away on holiday, what do you do??? Both of them up and about, unreachable and you're left to make your own choices. No one's there to tell you what you should, ought or could do.
When stuff like this happens, i'll look around and see two familiar faces, right on my back, making sure i make the right moves and say the right thing. These people stayed up till 4 in the morning and supported me. Its times like these that i realise i've depended on them. They understand my thoughts far before the words reach my mouth, know what i need and how im like. now they're not here and i have to make my own decisions..
It isnt really much of a decision, but an internal evaluation. I've been through this countless times and the ending never seems to be different.. the same song plays in the background and im once again infront of the computer typing all these down. Once again no different then years before. I just gotta admit that im not like them, perhaps i never did and never will understand the meaning of three words. im always up and about and on the move, fearing commitments of any sort. Repeated my mistakes too many times to do it again. People have tried and got hurt in the process.. maybe someday i'll be able to get what all the whoo ha is about. the fru fru romances and dates, but till then im still a single girl looking for places to go.. taking on life as it hurls things my way..

Elaine posed 12/17/2006 12:20:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, November 23, 2006

Are we ever ready to move on?... ready to cross into that other part of our lives..?
Four years of bitching about school, the people, the fugly building colours, the irritating projector and the occasional teacher... im actually starting to miss it..

The people that we brush past everyday in school.. friends and classmates that we see everyday.. we dont normally realise an attachment until we finally realise in a split second that its all going to fade away with time.. the classmates that sit a few tables away.. ones that you joke around with.. recess breaks in class.. that 'asshole' two tables away.. the 'irritating' distractor at the back... the 'slove anything' genius two tables back... always funny girl ...the 'british lawyer'..friends that you can always hold a conversation with at the right... and of course that best friend beside...

Its going to take a hell lot of getting used to... for many many years.. we've been thinking of this day.. when the o's would be over and all we could do was finish off that bottle of champange and celebrate.. for many years we felt that day wasnt coming and it always felt like a long time away..
Now its here and we're celebrating alright.. but beneath all that.. the gnawing thought of stepping out of a familiar place is at the back of my head... a new journey sounds alluring and promising.. but its always the process of letting go that's tough.. i can honestly say that im not ready to let go of all of this.. - the 'irritating' friends and fugly school included... part by part i've seen myself evolve in that multi-coloured-turned-wrong campus of ours.. my naive and ah lian times in sec one.. crazy times in sec two and of course the mugging like mad times in sec four... i came in knowing no one.. but i'm leaving with a truckload of friends/pals, memories and good times.. they say secondary school time is the time you grow and find the real you.. i believe that.. without what i've been through, without the friends that were with me and pulled me out of shitty situations,without the sometimes cruel teachers.. i wouldnt have been here...

im thankful for ending up here.. thankful for meeting everyone i've met and thankful to those i've kept as friends... the pages of this chapter are fast running out and im soon starting on another.. its scary.. it sucks.. but it's life.. the ever on-going journey that drives us forward....

Elaine posed 11/23/2006 11:26:00 AM | Comment

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Sunday, November 12, 2006

It was the feeling of wanting something so badly... the feeling of touching something real..the perfect seams and right fabric.. yet knowing that it'll never be yours... No reasons and explainations, just the sudden urge to tear apart everything else that you own.. You let the thoughts run in your head... allow the scenes to play on like a jaundiced movie.. You sweep away everything thats on the table.. rip apart clothes on the hanger.. in hope that everything was going to go away.. hoping that with every destroyal, a new peace would follow.. you bring yourself to say words never meant to be said.. words so harsh and cold that it shook the people who heard it..
at the end of the day... you're sitting by the window watching the rain pour.. your heart as empty as ever... you're expressionless...not calm, just drained.. life goes on as usual but you're just watching it pass by..

Elaine posed 11/12/2006 11:13:00 PM | Comment

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Thursday, November 09, 2006

Two weeks into this.. its seems like nothing.. the chains are slowly lossening and i can finally see where this is heading.. i miss the alluring scent of slashed pricetags.. the thrill of sneaking out... just sitting around doing nothing at all.. shoving and pushing my way through crazy crowds of people... soon.. just soon enough life is going to begin..
its only when you;re halfway through that you realise the significance of this paper chase.. im still in it... trying to bag some A's.. and with each passing day... the pile of now useless notes and books just keeps getting higher.. the joy of never having to flip through those books and mugging up sentance after sentance drives me to keep on going...

Elaine posed 11/09/2006 07:28:00 PM | Comment

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Weekends.. weekends that never meant as much....
When the entire family finally comes together... everything else changes... we'll be sitting around the house... the two brothers glued to the tv with a race going on.. you turn when both of them scream out simultaneously when hayden crashes... they act like 17 year old boys... the kids are running around.. fighting over each others kracks.. or wadever that new toy is called.. there's the occasional kid that sits on the sofa, eyes fixed on the gameboy... mum is cooking.. or trying to.. dad's trying to tell my mum to stop cleaning the tables and really cook... the sister in laws are sitting by the table... you sit back.. and see a wholesome family.. one where mum's home.. dad's not out golfing.... brothers are not out riding or racing.. kids are having fun and glad they get to play together.. im not out shopping or doing other things...
well that was the picture perfect weekend.. we all went to do our things in the afternoon... like help my brother choose a new car... mum helping with the tidying up of the new place.. other brother fixing his bike.. and when we were done.. we came together for two nights and had dinner-as a family.. means my mum had to nag at the overgrown boys to eat at the table without their eyes on the tv.. mum and maid is running around the house trying to get the children to eat and all that madness..
ever had a weekend like this....???

Elaine posed 10/17/2006 12:52:00 AM | Comment

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Monday, September 25, 2006

When life gives you lemons... you make lemonade........................ :)
Got inspired to get organised and place my life in order... Fixed my new wardrobe from scratch
... divided my clothes up... cleared my old stuff... donated books to my niece and re-arranged my shelves... With all these in place.. i now have room for more... It feels good to actually have your clothes neatly arranged.. not piled and cramed up in a tiny wardrobe... Was really therapeutic ....

Yesterday was a family affair... went over to Ikea to get my wardrobe and stuff... came back and rushed out to meet my brothers.. We were all sitting down and looking back.. Talking about the times when they brought me out with their girlfriends- now wives... and how they used to be.. their biking stories from the good old days... the crazy things they did that my parents never knew.. and yes.. there'd always be the mention of how i've grown.. and how they are now OLD.. one of the most miraculous things i heard yesterday was my brother talking about getting an SUV after he selling his evo.. He's finally realising that he's no longer 18 and what he needs is a family car.. Not something charged with a turbo engine and looks cool... And the best part is.. he was complaining about how noisy his evo was... amazing??? Its was the first time i saw him thinking straight..
ha.. this just proves that we'll all grow up someday... we'll somehow just manage to think right and not make silly mistakes.. hopefully it wouldnt be too late..

Elaine posed 9/25/2006 08:18:00 AM | Comment

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Saturday, September 23, 2006

My life's on track now-after three weeks of not having one...
Friday was good.... chilled at home with eve with 2 dvd's.. had an hour of alone time..and it was off to town... dinner and drinks.. Its really really amazing how all this worked out... 2 years flew by and we're still hanging out together like nothing's changed.. My last SATC marathon was during let's see..er... Christmas!!??! It was good to be able to hop over to tam's place.. nothing's changed.. okay maybe a much cooler drink this time round.. ha.. absolut peach... not really that amazing.. but we had nice peaches at the bottom!!... :) and this time round we managed to wake up early to go get breakfast at jalan kayu... a plan that's never worked out for years...
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....................................

Elaine posed 9/23/2006 06:23:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, September 21, 2006

We live with the choices we make....the consequences and everything that follows.. i've tried to overlook all the small details.. to stop comparing... i managed to- looking at how im dealing with my prelims.. until now...
i'll be kidding if i said it hasnt been on my mind and it hasnt affected me.. i have had countless of people coming up to me.. asking me if i was going to get an A for this and that.. i'll smile and tell them that things arent like before.. gone are the days of distinctions.. i never did manage to hold onto my stand of mugging and doing well.. i never did have the determination to.. my downfall came about once i stepped into sec 4.. i gave in to everything else.. and i saw myself slip through the stages...
if anyone is to feel the pain from a fall... i'll be the first one... i stumbled, fell.. and there was no point of return... completely lost faith in trying to be what i was..
she was a girl that thought 11 was failure.... and now.. look at her... a 20 pointer.. its really funny...
i chose the wrong time to slip.. for three years.. perfect scores.. and i just had to screw up this entire year.. you start to realise that it wasnt the past few years that mattered.. it was now..
one wrong choice and a wrong step is all you need.....

Elaine posed 9/21/2006 02:08:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, September 20, 2006

New wardrobe = more space = new ideas = reinventions.. ha.. dont call me a bimbo..

After 4 years of pilling up.. i was still never satisfied... always had that feeling that my wardrobe ate up my stuff... the truth is.. things were all over the place and were pilled all over.. heaps and heaps of new and never worn, old and current pieces all jumbled together.... i finally mustered the courage to dig through the pile of clothing and managed to find ALOT of stuff.. its literally like shopping from my wardrobe.. only that everything was free.. i found the reasons to fall in love all over again ... its a totally amazing feeling... the burst of ideas... the unexpected finds of clothes you never thought you had.. clothes that were somehow forgotten or hidden...
the same goes for life... its always nice to see all the old things come back.. somehow that military jacket from a year ago pops up... the black pumps from two years ago appears... you start to remember the crazy moments ... the childish games.. the bickering and all the fun... amidst all the politics.. it was all good... and maybe in a few months time when we meet again.. we'd look back and laugh at the feuds we had..we'd be amazed at the things we did..

we have so many of those bought and never worn things in our stash... things that were bought and meant to be left in their boxes.. neatly piled up at the corner... i went over to them and looked through them item by item... ballet flats in 3 different colours... pointy heels in 4 colours.. 2 kittenheels.. my tommy hil wedges.. and lots and lots of flats from everywhere... those things are like friends we never had.. friends that we never did try and do things with...perhaps one day.. i'd find the same feeling i felt for my ballet flats a while ago... i'd remember my reasons for getting them and fall in love-again... maybe.. just maybe..

Elaine posed 9/20/2006 10:21:00 AM | Comment

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"After all, without a sense of joy, the results are worthless..."

When we try and tune that little mind of ours... great things happen.. When we learn to let go a little.. things change... gone are the thoughts of 6 distictions.. a score below ten... goals.. attainable yet easily manipulated... one thought and there's no turning back...

one spiral and we start to get sucked into the whirpool of dreams and aspirations... we try and outdo ourselves, never contented.. we walk ahead in search of more and more of what we've got... never stopping, never looking back... our daily functions a mechanical process.. we start to get lost in the chase.. never really knowing what is in it for us... yes.. maybe we'll get that little extra pocket money... that sense of self-satisfaction (if we can still feel)..but in the midst of earning all of that.. we lose that one simple yet most important thing..

we go on and on about how we're not there yet.. we're underperforming..we're not improving and lagging behind..not realising that it isnt everyday that all goes well.. not everyday is a Sunday.. it really is when you learn to loosen your hold on things that you start to learn to take it easy... it is then that we learn to let down the bar.. and anything better then that would be a blessing.. it is only when we're given more then what we ask for that we'll be happy... so why not....just let it go a little.. ??

Elaine posed 9/20/2006 02:45:00 AM | Comment

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Monday, September 18, 2006

there are no days like these.. like the ones i've had.. the continuous days of rain.. another state of mind... im occupied just by random thoughts... my mind drifting through time.. the papers tomorrrow or the day after didnt seem to matter... its amazing how the rain evokes thoughts and brings about changes to your emotions or the day itself.. for a moment.. the melancholy sweeps you and takes your mind with it... you're sitting by the window hearing the slight whispers of the rain and the cars are zooming past... you let life swish past you.. while you soak it in.. you slow down and let the scenes unfold in slower motions.. your mind a state of peace...
yet there're times when the cold, hard droplets hit against your skin while you're racing home..you then stop to realise what you;re missing out... - the joy it brings.. you see groups of children running out into the heavy rain .. prancing around in their nice little rain boots.. you see the joy in their eyes and you too break into a smile.. you look at the rain dropping from above and you slow your footsteps.. you're no longer rushing anywhere.. no more crouching under nice little umbrellas, walking forward.. just living in the moment...
then there are times when it brings you somewhere familiar.. like that scene when you just got off a plane from a 14 hour ride... expecting to see a sunny Rome.. then you arrive to see the slight drizzle.. you're holding an umbrella while taking a picture at St Peter's Basilica.., you're eating gelato in front of the fountain of trevi.. you stop to see as countless model figures pass you by with their trench coats and ridiculously expensive umbrellas.. you're in awe and mesmerized by the simple beauty of the place..
i've seen the rain...... have you?????

Elaine posed 9/18/2006 05:48:00 AM | Comment

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Tuesday, September 05, 2006

sitting by the window.. i hear the cars go by.. the house is empty and the lights are out.. i hear the same silence i came crawling back to in june.. when my heart was empty and my eyes were dry of tears... when it felt strange and i seemed out of place.. it all seems so familiar yet different... no explanations..
its really really weird how emotions set it.. like in a split second it changes and leaves everyone else startled.. hormones i guess.. there doesnt really have to be a reason.. perhaps we're just too tired.. perhaps we want to just release all the tension..it'll blow over.. at least i hope it would... we cant be stuck in our mood swings forever can we..?
maybe thats why i went back into that state of mind.. maybe i was just remembering my grandpa..
i wonder what it'll be like up there.. fluffy clouds? angels singing?

Elaine posed 9/05/2006 09:10:00 AM | Comment

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Saturday, September 02, 2006

ever felt fear staring you in the eye..?. when you're at the edge of your seat and your heart was beating fast... when your gaze is fixed at the thing in front of you and your life was hanging on thin thread.. when the scales were tipped and you were in danger.. you whole life ahead of you seemed like it was crashing down.. all the scary scenes playing over and over in your head and all you could do was to pray.. to wish that everything was going to be over, done with and fine.. ever had a time when you were afraid big time and your body was fixed.?. when your fists were clenched and you couldnt react.. all you could do was to be frozen in the car seat and let everything unfold before you... when seconds felt like minutes and minutes felt like hours... when your life depended on it.. and you knew it could be over..
i did .. and im still shaking from it...

that drama aside... the day was good...

travelled halfway around the world in a few hours.. first to the north pole.. then to the middle east... okay.. im kidding.. but it was close enough.. had drinks at indochine - forbidden city.. stupidly decided to go into the ice room thingy.. and i froze my toes off.. at negative 7 degrees.. that place was f-ing cold.. trust me.. never never go in with your toes exposed.. the only thing that can save you from the cold is vodka.. dont bother all the bullshit about thermal wear and fur coats ... a shot of vodka is instant remedy to cold.. one shot and you'll feel the heat coming from within.. no bullshit.. next up was this morrocon place... decided to hang ard with magaritha , shisha and funny food.. the indian/mediterranean inspired music and the swinging chair was good enough to feel like dubai/saudi arabia..
seeeeeee... you can travel the world without leaving an inch outta singapore.. :)

Elaine posed 9/02/2006 10:23:00 AM | Comment

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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

ha!.... theres more to come...
....secrets... we forward-ed our bonding process and learnt more about each other in 2 days then in two years... all the weird things.. embarassing and unthinkable were probed into... and we've got answers to them.. ha.. secrets.. lets see who gets to keep them...
i doubt everything was dug out - about me at least... there really seems to be a part of me i myself havent really seen... it really got me coming back and wondering... looking back and ahead.. i start to question.. what i wanted.. what i had.. what i expected .. what i got... and lets not forget the should haves..
ever had the feeling of stepping into cold water.. swimming in unknown places - safe yet scary.. a time when you just let yourself go..?. what do you do when feel that there's more to it yet you couldnt find the words...what do you do when you know you have the answer but it had to be locked inside.. what do you do when that image in the mirror confronts you... would you do nothing at all...?.. what do you do when you know you've allowed yourself to cross the line you set and you go ahead to wander.. would we suffer the so called consequences or live in the moment..?.. at times like this.. do you look the person in the eye and lie? seriously.. are those random thoughts we have in our heads really random.. do they come and go as the day goes by... .. or are we just finding excuses.....

Elaine posed 8/29/2006 07:28:00 AM | Comment

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Monday, August 28, 2006

truth or dare.???...
exactly how much are we willing to reveal to those ard us.. ? exactly how much do we trust them.. ? apparently.. we do..

Elaine posed 8/28/2006 06:53:00 AM | Comment

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Friday, August 25, 2006

ha! the joke's on you... actually not...
i didnt see you guys.. just happened to hear you from upstairs... :) dont feel cheated... i know.. im believeable...
was a pleasant surprise ..but wouldnt it have been so much better if i had turned emo and started to have wild thoughts, maybe even got pissed off.??. yea right.. im kidding....
crazy friends with their crazy little ideas of surprise... to tell you the truth, i had totally forgotten about my birthday thing.. anyway.. thanks for everything!!. cake, pizza, surprise plus trip to the supermarket and all that planning.. it was cool.

wine, dine and everything nice.. thats practically my friday night for you..had tonnes of good wine earlier on..and doses of aussie beer... iloveweekendsiloveweekendsiloveweekendsiloveweekendsiloveweekendsiloveweekendsiloveweekends iloveweekendsiloveweekendsiloveweekendsiloveweekends............wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Elaine posed 8/25/2006 12:51:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, August 24, 2006

as we stand in the midst of life... we see all sorts of people around us... we have those that we've been with since god knows when...those we pick up along the way... and a couple we just happen to click with...

all of them different, different in their own rights...some would scream at you when they know you're doing the wrong thing.. pick up your phone and scream at the person on the other end of the reciever- who happens to be the person you're screwing up your life with... and demands that you stop sinking into that shithole... yet they're some who are always beside you... just there whenever you need them.. yes.. at times they might not be thinking too logically , mostly because they're overpowered by your over the top emotions..but they in someways of another are the kind of people you really need when things hit rock bottom..its for times when you need that someone to be there.. just taking in whatever you're saying and not judging you.. to these people.. you bare your souls.. (okay maybe thats a little cheesy) but yes. you get it right.. its like you know thats its okay to let down that strong exterior of yours and let it all out.. all the little things you've bottled up that affects you but were never meant to be said.. its just nice to know that when stuff happens.. you have one or two of these friends.. ready to hold your hair back while you're puking into the toilet .. ready to give you a pat on the back.. and telling you that its okay to be sad/pissed/frustrated ... its that comforting feeling that you get when you're struck by something and you're not left alone in it.. that feeling that someone's going to be there with you while you do whatever needs to be done.. lets also not forget those logical friends that tend to see things a little clearer then you cause most of the time they're not drowned in your emotions.. those that come up with logical and can-be-implemented solutions to problems.. and yes.. those that let you cry cause they know you needed to...

and in the midst of all that.. we start to rub abit of ourselves onto them...and they too pass on some of their stuff to us.. they call it peer influence.. i like to call it life.. in this constantly changing and shifting world of ours... we as humans get stuck into all that and start to evolve.. we always look forward.. hoping that someday we'd be that other someone.. holding that Birken.. sipping from Versace teacups... i admit.. at times its scary when someone tells you your friend looks like that image in the mirror.. you start to wonder if you've caused that other someone to change so much.. maybe too much that they themselves get lost in transition...

i've been through all that..and have been somewhat shocked and affected by it... that was quite some time ago though... i felt i saw too much resemblence in my friends around me and that they changed too much.. their ideals and perceptions on things changed..their language .. fashion styles.. all sucked into that cyclone... which somehow took away everything they brought with or had in them.... felt like i was somewhat an influnce.. and a bad one...

it was scary when i first felt it straight on.. but now.. i see it as a part of life.. change and influnces.. all inevitable.- just as long as it doesnt involve screwing up our lives, drugs or anything like that..... the one thing i believe in is that soon enough.. we'd get sick of trying to live up to things.. there'll definitely come a day when people decide give up all the chasing.. its that time when they'll start to stand on their own.. no more looking onto the streets for ways to dress and look good..it'll all come from within.. and they'll know what looks best on them.. till then.. lets allow them to transit... over time we'll see them be their own person.. perhaps a little more stronger and confident even..

Elaine posed 8/24/2006 06:26:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

how do we put it all out in the open..? and let them see what they ought to... how do we bare ourselves.. and let people know us?.. by us.. i dont mean the nice little perfect or imperfect images that they see..i mean the true person sitting in there...
there are places not meant to go.. those corners we never were suppose to dig into.. waters not meant to be treaded... how do we draw the line..?
some people never really see them.. stepping all over...they never really get it when enough is enough... trust me, even that nice little puppy you just cuddled has a temper.. try stepping on its tail.. it aint going to lick you back.. i can bet on that... the same goes for anyone..
well i may seem really okay with things.. yes.. i know that jokes are meant to be jokes.. fun stuff are meant to be fun.. but when it gets too carried away.. its almost impossible to ignore...i was really surprised when someone actually thought i had no temper... as in i would always laugh things off.. maybe someday.. just someday.. i'd get sick of trying to humour everyone else...

Elaine posed 8/23/2006 08:28:00 AM | Comment

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Tuesday, August 15, 2006

allllll you need is a friend and a good pair of shoes to have a smashing time... to hell with whoever that said you needed a boyfriend to spend those special moments with .. the past week of national day and fireworks were absolutelty amazing... i swear all the GSS and the last min shoppings have thought us the art of weaving and shoving through crowds... it really is an art... i'll guess i'll spare you all the details... try imagining fireworks... huge mass of people... ALOT of shoving and pushing.. bitching... stepping into bushes... late-night pastas... shopping and cam-whoring..

at the end of the day.. your girlfriends are the ones beside you... boyfriends walk in and out of your life... but hey... throughout all that heartbreak those people that have been beside you through all your gushings and tears never left... they stay up for you till 4 in the morning in crisis
. they sit through all your repeated whinings... they've seen all the sides of you.. you've scream at them.. you make up with them.. and they're still there.....tell me..can a guy be all that.?

Elaine posed 8/15/2006 08:43:00 AM | Comment

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what do you when a part of you gets torn apart..? what do you do when you find out that your only indulgence is taken away?
trust me on this... dont ever let that thing on the rack go if it really means alot to you... even if you're broke... go beg , steal or borrow... cause you know you want it bad enough... once its gone, its gone forever.. that same issue isnt going to be republished, you're not going to find that boho skirt anywhere else in time.. im officially declaring myself an idiot for this... how can anyone be dumb enough to let it go... my eyes were set on it the moment i saw it.. i felt that sense of joy surging through me.. and then i chose to let it go... and then this... trust me.. if i can dedicate a paragraph to it, im affected...

Elaine posed 8/15/2006 08:31:00 AM | Comment

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Friday, August 04, 2006

had to take down the last entry... it feels a little outta place here.. no idea where the urge of a full-fledged essay came from.. its better off in my folder.. sorry gurl.. didnt manage to let u catch it...

Back when i was a little girl...I asked my mother, "What would I be?""Would I be pretty? Would I be rich?"Here's what she said to me.Things change, and when they do, the stark contrast between the two opposing poles generate atmospheric movement. This in turn triggers off huge typhoons. And people, normal human beings like you and me get caught up in it all, whisked up in a cloud of transformation so intense and deliberate that we ourselves, start to readapt and reshape.This can be summarized in Darwins theory of evolution. Survival of the fittest; environmental changes kill off those too weak to adapt and only the highly evolved are left behind to thrive.Maybe that's where I come in. Maybe that's why people think that I've grown and become a different person, more corrupt, polluted, snobbish and ill-tempered.But deep-down inside I still feel like the same me. Okay maybe I've hardened a bit on the exterior, I shed my shiny coat of down and exchanged it for a gruffer thicker exterior of needles. Past experiences taught me to laugh while I cried on the inside, remain emotionless when my world was crumbling down within me, smile when I felt like killing myself (Ok maybe that's from Alanis; in 8 easy steps even!).I taught myself to leave my face as a blank canvas, to disallow anyone from reading me. Emotion was a weakness that the world took great pleasure in exploiting. Maybe that's why i seem so arrogant, so high up because I always seem so cold, distant and unaffected.But that's what my dad taught me, if you want people to take you seriously you have to start showing people that you mean business.And I do.

Elaine posed 8/04/2006 05:16:00 AM | Comment

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Tuesday, August 01, 2006

the aftereffects of the emath paper is still leaving me drained...i seriously have no idea how guys can get over such stuff in just a min... they look at their dissapointing results... curse/swear for a min... and the next thing you know, they're playing a gameboy... yes.. im speaking about wei hao here.. they take it so easily.. well although i know i had resigned to fate that i wasnt going to do well, psyched myself for the hundredth time that its okay to screw preps... i still cant... im sorry but i've got to continue wallowing in self pity here...
was sitting down with parvie and all 'planning' our futures the day before.. as in where we were going to go... we listed down all the schools and started crossing.. after all that crossing out.. there wasnt much left... NJC, ACJC, SAJC, NYJC and IJC..and maybe if i can get over the run-down building and not so nice uniform - AJC... come to think of it.. after today, it all seems too bleak.. perhaps i neednt bother pondering over so many schools.. i might just have no choice but to get into IJC.. all the weighing of NJ being a mugger's school.. and ACJC vs SAJC might seem useless now.. i might not even get there.. and ZY isnt helping.. he makes every other school other then the top 5 sound like a shithole.. he had to constantly remind us that there were only 17 to choose from.. and going into the mid range one is already quite bad according to him.. so ya.. so much for my morale..
one dissapointment after another.. thought that the blow i got on friday was enough to kill me... ha!. theres more to come.. first and foremost.. i think im done with drama.. as in DONE with it.. thats all the drama and theatre im going to touch for a lifetime.. perhaps it really meant alot to me.. and me getting told in the face that the decision was set long ago just made it worse.. i sorta guessed it when i saw the board that day... and my intuition was right... i knew that she must have refused to give it to me.. guessing it is one thing. getting told straight is another... i wasnt ready for the sit down and i want to have a word with you thing.. u cant expect me to get over it and move on holding on to the same ideals... i have to tell u.. for the last four years.. i've been working towards this.. and now.. all i get is an appreciation... 4 years of crap that i have endured... and stuck with.. and just an appreciation... you wouldnt know how much of a pain and agony it is to me..yes maybe i owe the me now to drama.. okay maybe just to the people there.. im happy that i got to make friends like tam there... but other then that... im walking away after four years with the smudge i have on my apprecaition.. no.. my dreams of theatre are no longer there.. my one belief in the arts are crushed by that paper... i know.. im not good enough.. perhaps i should have sucked up to you more, should have been more of an irritatingly enthusiastic individual, stayed till 7 after every rehersal, be 'nice' to everyone else- even if i dont want to, and yes ultimately.. be the second shal... perhaps if i did that.. i would have Deserved it... but no.. thats not the case..
im not going to go on with this totally emo entry.... trust me.. theres going to be more. :)

Elaine posed 8/01/2006 06:35:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, July 27, 2006

it turned out to be a pleasant day... went to school totally prepared to face a long and painful day.... chem, phy, math, chi , geog... plus geog and chem extra lessons... but guess wad... mdm neo and ms goh didnt come to school.. we ended up having 2 free lessons and no block revision..
for quite some time now..i havent really been able to hang out with zj... we were both caught up in our own lives.. im not counting the times when go out and have fun.. which literally means shopping.. im talking about the sit down and talk about everything under the sun kind of times.. seriously...i think the last was about a year ago.. in those days .. it was frequent.. i'd go over every now and then for a swim and all..and we'd end up chatting in the pool.. those were nice times..
we werent really depressed or sad this time round.. but we ate quite alot anyway... went to jack's place.. prepared only to have a dish.. but ended up having a spread.. seafood basket, garlic bread, pasta, coke and ice cream... shall spare you the details on how fattening and sinful that is.. but i guess you already know how many hours of workout that is... spent about 2 hours there.. talking about stuff and eating... we talked about tons of stuff.. from our friends.. to our lives.. to people in school.. we didnt want to stop and leave but we had to (we were the only customers left).. so we ended up at the playgrd opp amk... i know how funny that sounds.. but zj insisted there were swings there... so yea.. we hung ard.. in a PLAYGROUND .... and yes.. once again talked... its really funny.. how we just started to see that theres more to singapore then just hitting town... seriously.. its kinda late.. but still.. better late then never... just as were were on top of the spider web thingy... and the winds blew... i noticed how the same we were.. just like 3 years ago when we were still young and naive.. how we screwed up our lives together... i can imagine the us if i didnt get us pulled out of all that shit..
through all these years, we've only grown a little.. our mindsets changed a little, our hairs a little longer.. but ultimately.. we're still us.. the same two individuals with chracters poles apart.. still stuck with each other.. saying our should haves and regrets .. perhaps one day.. you'd rub off some of your courage and passiveness to me.. and i'll pass you my clamness.. till then.. we'll still be here..

Elaine posed 7/27/2006 04:00:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

comfort food and nip tuck... thats practically my past few days... but really.. a word of caution, dont try eating dinner and watch nip tuck... you'd end up not feeling like eating ... trust me.. as you see them cut people up, remove their fats ans stuff silicon into their bodies.. you wouldnt want to put anything into your mouth ... ha.. im done with season 1..waiting for zy to pass me the next season.. :) seriously.. that just gives staying home alone a whole new meaning... has been quite some time since i indulged in such stuff.. my last was SATC and LOST...
my mind's blank now.. totally void of thoughts.. have no idea what to type next... aha... but my mum's proposing a trip to m'sia this weekend... okay... i can totally hear yuran and tam screaming now at the back.. but what the hell.. its been a long time since i went over to dirt cheap m'sia for some shopping.. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee........

Elaine posed 7/26/2006 07:37:00 AM | Comment

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Friday, July 21, 2006

have you ever had that feeling?
ever had a week...
when everything seemed to move a little too fast...
when everything seemed to be all happening at the same time...
when everything seems to going not too good...
when everything seems to be going not to bad...
then you just close your eyes...
and you can feel everything happening around...
you feel like...
as long as you don't ever open your eyes...
everything you couldn't see wasn't real...
and then...
because you've closed your eyes for too long...
everything seemed to be different...
you feel so lost, alone and helpless...
and then you try to figure things out all by yourself..
your head hurts so badly...
you can't scream because you've got no energy to...
and then you just collapse...
and let nature take its course...
as you lay motionless and still...
you realize its all over now...
not becuase everything's stopped...
not becuase everything's gone...
but becuase you finally realize that there's not point fighting it...
and then you open your eyes...
everything's still the same...
except...you feel comfortable...
you've found your spot...
and you just go about like it was just last week...

ever had a week?have you ever had that feeling?

well...i don't know bout you...but not me...=)
like i said you just open your eyes...and you just know everything's going to be alright...

Elaine posed 7/21/2006 09:12:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, July 20, 2006

she was sitting by the room... having some random thoughts... half an hour she thought she had to spare.. she was looking ard finding something to do.. the very next moment.. a melody got caught in her ears.. not so much of the song... but just that very state of mind.. she felt transported back into time.. scene after scene they played on... realer then ever... but as she reached her hands out to try and grab them.. they vanished... her finger touched the screen and the images slowly blurred out.. like when you try and touch the glistening reflection of yourself in the water.. the image ripples and slowly vanishes.. but as you take your finger away.. with time.. the images come back again... once again a clear reflection of yourself... - thats how flashbacks are
she never thought it would strike her again.. in that very classroom..at the very seat... just like months ago as she was sitting there.. her entire self was thrown into a whirlwind.. but just as we know her..once the clock struck 3... she got up... cleared her desk.. took out a mirror and straightened her hair... she was out and about again.. perhaps a little quieter.. but still the person she set out to be...

Elaine posed 7/20/2006 06:20:00 AM | Comment

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Wednesday, July 19, 2006

And if i dont look back,
then i wont see how much i hurt you
And if i dont look back,
it doesnt mean i didnt love you...

Elaine posed 7/19/2006 06:21:00 AM | Comment

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i was sitting by the window... penning down that mail.. drops of rain trickling down the window.. my thoughts weaved through that moment in time... it was as if the heavens heard my silent whisper... it granted me the rain... the nicest i could probably ask for.. when the first drop fell.. i was still resisting it... my legs broke into a run for shelter... but just at that time.. someone told me to feel the rain.. 'it wouldnt hurt you...' 'seriously what could it possibly do to you.. its only tiny droplets of water...' it was then.... i realised how amazingly long it has been since i went out to feel the rain... feel the breeze..
it was then... that i wrote it.. no longer feeling lost for words.. it wasnt a long one.. but just long enough for me to handle.. i slipped through your fingers like the sands... the winds claimed me and i flew... your palms no longer clenched... there's a whole world ahead of you...
im still here.. facing the same computer i've been facing.. the rain still tickling away... carrying my whispers.. i guess i'll never step any further from the few blocks ahead.. i'll still be stuck in limbo... strolling around memory lane.. hoping that you'd find someone more deserving...
its amazing how the english teacher seems to be making sense... the law of life... unpredictability... its all around us..

Elaine posed 7/19/2006 05:38:00 AM | Comment

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Tuesday, July 18, 2006

a day or two of living out of reality (or trying to)... and now it's time to head back.. like a kid who's at the beach.. im holding on to my buckets and shells... looking at the sandcastle i've built... refusing to let my eyes of it... cause the very next moment, someone's going to come by someway or another make it crumble... be it the rain, the waves or just some other person...
i still managed to drag myself away from all that fun... get my ass back at home..and now im here. trying hard to tune myself into the ' tomorrow is school not a holiday' mood. im living a day by a day.. looking forward to the weekends and the coming holidays.. its kinda wrong really...
had quite a time at the beach... the first for the three of us... managed to just let ourselves loose and soak up the sun... i have no idea how all that uv ray helps other then giving us cancer.. but ya.. we do it anyway... everything that was on my mind sort of dissloved at that moment in time.. wonder how that talk about people's past and memories came about. maybe just cause zj was talking about it.. it got me thinking.. do these things just fade away with time .... like the tan on our bodies, do they just fade away till our real skin shows? or do we cling onto them.. like the last rope in a sinkhole.. hoping that someday we'll be able to turn back time.. and somehow change the way things worked.. when we look and think about those old stuff..does it mean that its coming back to us.. or are we just rewinding?..looking back at it like a jaundiced- movie.. will it change a thing.?..
we humans constantly think back on our choices and somehow find a way to regret... regret not getting that last pin striped pants on the rack, regret wasting a hundred bucks on a shoe that makes you cut and bleed.. regret not staying awhile longer, regret not having that sinful cheesecake... but what does this get us.?. we keep thinking back on our past... penning down all our should haves.. but seriously.. like that last exam.. its over and done with.. theres really no use arguing about that last math question..
therefore .. the invention of selective memory... you remember the good times and chuck the bad.. live in denial..i know its dumb.. we're kinda being delusional. but hey.. life's tough.. without all these.. theres really nothing else.. we'll always only have memories..
i've said so much.. but how much of these i can do.. im still regreting not getting that cheesecake.. damn..

Elaine posed 7/18/2006 08:39:00 AM | Comment

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Sunday, July 16, 2006

oh my gawd... shoot me!!!.. i feel so dumb for not giving DSA a try..i mean i really could have... damn... with gold with honours under my belt.. and so many other stuff... i just put it to waste.. omg!! omg!! seriously.. kill me... i feel like a big idiot now...
dont ask me why.. i wanna get into RJ!!! badly... .. its sooooooooo not within reach... argh!!! should have done better for mid years... should have studied for it... there're so many should haves. omg .. i just cant believe this is happening.. how would i ever in the world think RJ was possible... seriously knock me over..
its far tooooo late now.. even if i start right at this moment.. it isnt going to happen.. im letting wild and crazy ideas race over me now... i think im crazy even thinking of about this..i thought i'd most probably screw myself over and end up in innova... i thought it wouldnt really matter where i'd end up in.. i thought it would be the same.. but its just... its just crazy.. its not the same.. i have no idea why im doing this now.. no idea whats gotten into me.. a tornado just came to me and totally knocked me over... its just all so sudden.. the rug under me just got pulled and im slipping out of it... its just too quick.. too sudden.. this cant be.. it cant possibly happen.. im doing things for all the wrong reasons... wheres all that logic im supposed to have.. seriously.. take that stilettos on your feet and throw it at me..
this is totally driving me crazy... all the zen-ing out i did today is just poof..and its gone.. once again my hearts all over.. im all over the place.. my mind a whirlwind. i have no idea what to think... its just crazy.. this whole thing is.. please.. someone just tell me this isnt happening...

Elaine posed 7/16/2006 08:42:00 AM | Comment

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Saturday, July 15, 2006

how do i start from here...
its really strange how things get stuck in your head, creep into you in the dark when you least expect... i've been meeting weird people recently... people that i know from other people.. dont know where the connection is.. but its really funny how it gets me thinking... im hit by this strong wind.. it passes through me and upturns everything... brings up all the old tales.. like the old and never-will-be worn clothes i tuck them right at the back of my closet.. the next thing i know... my mum takes out everything and neatens my wardrobe... its now out in the open.. neatly piled up together with the summer's new collection.. where do they stand you ask me?.. i have no idea.. the corners where i used to tuck them is now taken over by shoes... i just have to find a way to fit it all in.. 'make the old the new' they say...sounds easy... but hey.. theres so much more to it...
im going into this other stage of my life where i want to sit by the street.. sip my black coffee and watch the people go by.. i want to sit by my window while the rain splashes down, letting the thoughts fill me.. im zoning out on life.. its one of those times where i stay around in my room doing nothing at all... just humming the tune on the radio and thinking...thinking of nothing in particular.. just the part and parcels of life.. its one of those times where the house is empty and im hearing the winds speak.. its one of those times where i just want to do nothing at all... where i contact no one.. where im alone and at peace.. away from the hustle and bustle of life.. the late nights, the shopping, the friends, the hanging out and the having fun... i like it like that... trying to find the harmonious existance in life... no one really knows this me.. i might seem on and going on the outside.. the truth is.. im zen-ing out.. just getting back a little of my alone time i guess.. away from parents, friends and all the other things.. i dont know how long this is going to last.. im not thinking about it... call me selfish.. but im sorry.. life's biting me in the ass now.. so im just halting everything... stepping back and letting it all blow over.. dont be mistaken.. im not running away..
i just realised i've not exactly known me... its just so hard to expect what is going to be next.. a day ago i want this.. the next thing you know.. i wake up and everythings gone.. i dont want my fancy latte anymore.. just pure black coffee would be good... the one without the sugar...
i really thought i walked through that stage of my life.. that im all alive and kicking, ready to go.. but looking around im still here.. not a block further.. right where i was.. im still holding on to everything i owned.. yes.. even the tommy hil espadrilles... the one that almost cost me my foot.. its not over... im still stuck here... looking at the same walls .. the same songs that i've cried over.. the lost friends.. the childish letters.. im keeping all of that.. the good and the bad..i'll always remember the time.. when the wind was blowing.... and i almost touched the clouds...

Elaine posed 7/15/2006 10:33:00 AM | Comment

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Thursday, July 13, 2006

wheeeeeeee.. its going to be over. hopefully tomorrow wouldnt be painful.... dont be bothered by my attempt to try and be happy though... today wasnt much of a birthday for me. it only gave me the excuse and reason to procrastinate.. i wanted to practice all over from the beginning.. as soon as i sat down.. i lost the drive.. i wanted to memorise quotes for my lit essay.. but as soon as i flipped open my lit notes.. i felt the repelling force.. my heart overrulled my mind this time round.. the fear of screwing up wasnt strong enough to make me move my ass....i just felt that since its my birthday... theres no reason i should be feeling miserable... mugging for lit and practicing like crazy for maths.. thats probably why i left things the way they were..am going to screw amath the way i screwed physics.... perhaps if i stayed at home and studied for physics properly.. the paper would have been do-able.. sadly.. that wasnt the case and im living with it..

one and a half hours to go...before it officially ends.. wonder where i'd be the next birthday.. hopefully it wouldnt be like this one.. time really flew by... my last birthday didnt seem that far away, it seemed real.. just like yesterday,, i can feel that sense of joy from here... the joy that came from within.. where is it now..?...

i'd gladly take 14th july as my birthday, perhaps that spark of joy would pop out of nowwhere.. it isnt going to happen here.. its never going to feel the same... countless belated celebrations.. cakes.. booze... gifts... parties... wouldnt feel different from any other days... cause it just aint going to be today....

Elaine posed 7/13/2006 07:25:00 AM | Comment

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Elaine Tai
13th July
I'm a sister, a friend, a wild child, and whatever you see me as.
So take a shot.



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